The Football Prophecies

NFL week two

The Football Prophecies

The Football Prophecies foretell the outcomes of each week’s slate of NFL games. Pigskin prophet, Russ Espinoza, acquired his clairvoyance at age 9 when he was conked on the head by an errant John Elway pass at Mile High Stadium in 1992.

He’s marveled friends and relations and played Vegas like a cheap fiddle with his otherworldly football foresight ever since. The prophet is pleased to share his gift with The Austin Chronicle.

Tampa Bay at NYG: Giants coach Tom Coughlin, a renowned disciplinarian, remains so incensed by his team’s opening loss to Dallas that he makes an example of his star quarterback, Eli Manning: by drugging his food and placing his throwing hand in a bowl of hot water.

Prophecy: New York Giants

Oakland at Miami: Attendance shortfalls at Dolphins home games prompted a recent Miami-Herald survey, asking: “What are you doing on a typical NFL Sunday, Miami?” 24.9% replied: “At the beach.” 17.1% reported: “Family time.” 36.4% answered: “Narcotics, etc.” And 21.6% weighed in with: “Cuban stuff.”

Prophecy: Miami

Houston at Jacksonville: The Texans blight Jacksonville’s home opener in front of 55,000 fans, 112 alligators, 89 long-tailed weasels, six eastern spotted skunks, a colony of Jamaican fruit bats, and a pair of underwear on a stick.

Prophecy: Houston

Browns at Bengals: For winning the Battle of Ohio, Bengals Coach Marvin Lewis greets Ohio Lieutenant Governor Mary Taylor at midfield and receives a paisley bandana, a homemade ashtray, and a spare tire from the good people at Michelin.

Prophecy: Cincinnati

Kansas City at Buffalo: Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick fires up Bills Nation during pregame introductions by taking the field slathered in wing-sauce war paint and donning a necklace of chicken bones.

Prophecy: Kansas City

Baltimore at Philadelphia: The Eagles’ 24-10 home loss to Baltimore forces Coach Andy Reid to concede during postgame remarks that his team “brought a cheesesteak to a crab cake fight.”

Prophecy: Baltimore

New Orleans at Carolina: An internal memorandum from Saints interim Head Coach Joe Vitt to Defensive Coordinator Steve Spagnuolo will surface and read: “Because of Bountygate, the league prohibits us from using terms like ‘hospitalize,’ ‘murder’ and ‘holocaust’ to motivate our guys … but the men really lap it up, so what the hell.”

Prophecy: Carolina

Cardinals at Patriots: A private feud between Fox broadcasters Dick Stockton and John Lynch involving a woman emerges in snippets during Sunday’s play-by-play. After a deft verbal illustration of a 36-yard Brady to Welker strike, a vehement Stockton trails off with “… your love is a sham, John. She hates your touch, and your mendacity most of all.”

Lynch, for his part, hisses, “… there are things between my wife and I that you’ll never know, things that neither of us can ever forget,” after commending fullback Danny Woodhead for buying Brady time by picking up the corner blitz.

Prophecy: New England

Vikings at Colts: Proving that greed has no ceiling, the already booming concession apparatus at Lucas Oil Field prompts Colts management to institute a “Minimum 300 Pound” requirement to enter the stadium.

Prophecy: Vikings

Washington at St. Louis: The Guinness Book of World Records will corroborate Sunday’s Edward Jones Dome crowd as “The Largest Assemblage of Crackheads to Attend a Professional Sporting Event.”

Prophecy: Washington

Cowboys at Seahawks: A Fox cutaway into Jerry Jones’ luxury box steals another candid moment: The billionaire is seen languidly swirling a goblet runneth over with Bordeaux while a virgin nymph tickles the small of his back with a giant ostrich feather.

Prophecy: Cowboys

New York Jets at Pittsburgh: Heinz Field has a good crowd on its hands until some people from West Virginia show up.

Prophecy: Pittsburgh

Tennessee at San Diego: The Titans’ shuttle to Qualcomm Stadium will be jack-knifed by an enormous roving fish taco at the intersection of Friars and Mission Valley.

Prophecy: San Diego

Detroit at San Francisco: Defensive tackle Sammie Hill sends his Lions teammates into hysterics by appearing at Saturday night’s team meeting with a flower in his hair. Hill imperils his career the next day by skipping the team’s game against the 49ers to elope with a man named Stew Rutherford.

Prophecy: San Francisco

Denver at Atlanta: Broncos wide-out Eric Decker is carted off the field after a Peyton Manning dart explodes clear through his chest. Decker negotiates an exchange of Broncos memorabilia with the fan that caught his still-beating heart.

Prophecy: Denver

Overall Record to Date: 10-6.

More by Russ Espinoza
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