The Legislator Versus the Interninator

The Score gets 'Raw' for tonight's wrestling show

The Legislator Versus the Interninator
Courtesy of World Wrestling Entertainment

Get your wrestling gear on, because WWE Raw returns to the Erwin Center tonight. But who's the biggest rasslin' fan at the Chronicle? In the red corner, the terror of the state Capitol, the Legislator! In the blue corner, the sports-blogging wonder, the Interninator! Ding, ding!

The Legislator: Ah, flaming June. Raw was in the Erwin Center, Daniel Bryan was the hot freelancer on the roster, and John Cena was the show's top line talent. Now it's December, Raw is coming back to the Erwin Center, Daniel Bryan holds the US title strap and the Miz is champ. Wait, what? That guy from Tough Enough? Wait, the guy that – lost – Tough Enough?

The Interninator: Ah, flaming June of 2001. Mike Mizanin was just getting adjusted to his life in New York in the Real World house, battling it out with Coral over racial issues. It was at that time that I knew: This man will soon be WWE Champion … and he'll be awwwwwwesome!

As for the other guys you mentioned … who are they? I don't know who you think you're talking to, but I'm a WWF loyalist who hasn't been involved that much with the WWE in the last few years so I, as well as a few other attendees on Monday night I'm sure, will need some help getting updated. Is Stone Cold still wreaking havoc? Is the Rock still cooking up some poontang pie? Just tell me who the Legion of Doom are going up against and I'll be prepared.

The Legislator:: Well, I think they're still selling Stone Cold teddy bears. Probably do a good trade in them, considering this is the last Raw before Christmas. Also, considering it's the Tables, Ladders and Chair pay-per-view down in Houston on Sunday night, we could be looking at some hijinks while the roster of wrestlers gets over all its ow!ies. Frankly, I'm just hoping that the company CEO Vince McMahon turns up, dressed as Santa. That's some family entertainment right there.

You'll recognize Vince, right, ol' timer?

The Interninator: The last time I saw Vince, he was giving his Chris Benoit speech. So for everyone's sake, let's hope you're right about him spreading some cheer as Santa this year.

As for the rest of the WWE, I'm going to need a little help on what I should be expecting. Who are the big faces and heels right now? Also, please don't tell me I'm suppose to be cheering for Daniel Bryan. I can't root for wrestlers who go by their first and last name (even if his real name is Bryan Danielson). And as a bonus for me, please tell me that the Ted Dibiase comes out to the same entrance music as his father. Mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, moneyyyyy!

The Legislator: Previously on Raw: John Cena, the WWE's top baby face, was fired because a bunch of rookies called Nexus have taken over the building. Who are Nexus? Remember when the nWo was Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, and it was kinda cool because it was just three massive stars acting like spoiled teenagers? Well, forget that: This is kinda like when everyone and their valet got an nWo shirt, and you kept asking, "Which one's that? Is Buff Bagwell's mom in the nWO now?"

Anyway, so Cena's back now (he was briefly wrestling as Juan Cena, his masked Mexican cousin, I kid you not) and feuding with the entirety of Nexus. He'll be in a four-way dance main event with Nexus head honcho Wade Barrett, DiBiase's fellow second generation wrestler Randy Orton, and The Miz (say aaaaaaawesome. I know you want to.) And DiBiase Jr. is now feuding with Bryan Daniel, so I guess we'll be taking different sides in that bout. Sadly, no mo-ney. According to his theme music, he's priiiiiiiceless. He does have his own belt, just like the original Million Dollar Man. I advocate for calling him the Million Dollar (adjusted for inflation and market fluctuations) Man.

The Interninator: I'll try to restrain myself from commenting on your nWo hate. I used to walk around my house doing the Bagwell strut while greeting my mom with a "Hey yo." We'll just have to settle this argument in the ring on Monday, no holds barred match!

As for "Juan" Cena, you don't have to convince me that that actually happened. I grew up with Mick Foley, who changed his identity every other Pay Per View and asked us to just go with it. Only difference probably is that we believed Foley was Dude Love, Mankind and Cactus Jack, whereas Juan was simply looked on as John Cena in a mask.

Now I'm starting to get excited about the Nexus feud, as well as the 2nd generation wrestlers like DiBiase and Golddust. (that isn't seriously the same Golddust … right? … right?) By the way, did you notice you called DiBiase's rival "Bryan Daniel" in your last reply? This should speak volumes as to how silly his name is. Not once have I ever called a wrestler Foley Mick or Austin Steve.

Also, who's hosting this event? They still do that, right? Even if they don't, that's probably better than asking Ashton Kutcher to come back.

The Legislator: Nothing wrong with the nWo (although I was always more of a ECW Blue World Order kinda guy myself. I also expect a full apology when Juan Cena runs into the ring in the middle of John Cena's match tonight (now that would be a Christmas miracle.)

And fie upon you and your Bryan Daniel/Daniel Bryan/Bryniel Dysan jibes. The man's theme music is Ride of the Valkyrie, and he shall always be the American Dragon to me! Wow, I am such a mark. I sense, sir, this can only be solved in one manner. To the ring! First fan to spot the difference between Cena's Attitude Adjuster and a standing fireman's carry takeover wins!

The Interninator: Actually, I'd argue that the first fan to spot the difference between the two wrestling moves loses. I kid, I kid. In face, all night long I plan on calling out wrestlers for stealing finishing moves from the golden age of wrestling. If anyone tries the Rock Bottom or Eddie Guerrro's Frog Splash I'll be upset.

No matter what happens, I'll just be excited to be at the event with all of the hardcore fans as well as with all of those who show up for the nostalgia of it all … And if Ric Flair makes a random appearance just to yell "WOOO!", that'd make me happy too.

WWE Raw, Mon., Dec. 20, 7:15pm. Frank Erwin Center, 1701 Red River, 471-7744. $15-60.

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