Bob Stoops Is on Line One. Mack Brown Is on Hold.

UT Football Watch

Bob Stoops Is on Line One. Mack Brown Is on Hold.

The following message was left on my 1980's-era answering machine:

Joe! How they hanging, my scribbling bubba? Coach Bob Stoops here, if you want to be all formal. Just wanted to touch base before the big hoedown, my friend. You know I love the Texas State Fair and all that fried crap. Have you seen my gut lately? The wife is starting to complain.

I bet they’re complaining in Austin, too. Those surfers from UCLA pulled a number on the fellas in Burnt Orange again. I haven’t seen anybody do that since, well, me!

I know, Mack Brown’s had my number lately – I’ve lost four out of five, Joe! – but the dice are rolling in my favor. Last year Sam Bradford went down like a sack of taters and Landy Jones looked about as green as a Saint Patty’s Day beer when he took the helm for our Big Red. But Jones is my man now, Joe. Count ‘em: 370 yards last week against – who? Cincinnati. Yeah, I can’t help but sing that darn WKRP theme song every time I think about it, too. But we won! Don’t forget that 31-29 is a win. OK, it shouldn’t have been that close, and we’ve won three games by a touchdown or less – Air Force? Air Force almost beat us? But we won. That’s what it’s all about. We’re 4-0, and Texas can’t claim that one.

Sure, the guys in orange stood up to Texas Tech and got out of that Lubbock sandstorm with only a bad case of chapped lips. But 34-12 to UCLA? I gotta admit I thought Texas was just batting at them in the first half like a kitten with a mouse. Lots of silly mistakes, Joe. And no UT running game whatsoever. We all knew that was a farce. I do like that D.J. Monroe kid. Where they been hiding him? He’s slippery for a little dude. My boys are ready to snap his chicken legs! Maybe next year for the UT running game, friend. Texas did pick up that prize ball-hustler Malcolm Brown from Cibolo Steele, but he can’t help your boys until 2011. I hope he doesn’t learn to fumble before then! I like your QB Garrett Gilbert more, but he’s green. He’s sure no Colt McCoy, but Gilbert was a gamer when your boy Colt got the crazy heebee-geebee spaghetti arm against Alabama. What the heck was that? My boys are itching to get their helmets into Gilbert’s solar plexus. Be sure and tell Gilbert I said that. I don’t want to worry him, but he’d better be prepared. Our D hasn’t proven a lot this year, but that just means they’re hungry. Tell Gilbert I said so.

I thought your hosses had the defense to beat all defenses this year. That’s what surprised me, Joe. What a second-half collapse. Will Muschamp is going to take Mack’s job one day? I saw the veins popping out of Coach Muschamp’s eyeballs when the Bruins ran for 264 yards. Ouch! My boy DeMarco Murray is ready, Joe. He’s been doing sprints and smiling. He’s ready. I sure hope the Texas D isn’t counting on redeeming themselves against us. I mean it. That one’s keeping me up nights. Don’t forget I was a defensive back at Iowa. The D is where the action is. I like that boy Blake Gideon. He’s crazy. I get crazy. Just keep Sam Acho and company calm. Please.

Five turnovers, my little wordsmith! That’s not a good sign for the Horns. Is Mack OK, Joe? Is his stomach bothering him? Should I ship Mack some Pepto? I know his gut has grown more than mine. Too many greasy meals on the road, I imagine. And stress. Mack shouldn’t let the stress get to him. After all, the last time UCLA socked it to the Burnt Orange in Austin, the head coach was run out of town. I think that guy sells used cars or something now. Seriously, Joe, turnovers are the key. And my boys are ball hogs.

Yes, I told me boys to quit running their mouths on the internet. Facebook? Twitter? What a goofy waste of time. Jaz Reynolds will not be pulling down any tosses from Jones on Saturday after his stupidity on the computer. I can guarantee you that. And Jones will be throwing the ball! Look for my best gazelle Ryan Broyles to be yanking them down. Reynolds is an idiot. That shooter in Austin was a nut. We don’t go for that around here. I’m the only nut on the OU campus. Just kidding, Joe! We’ve got plenty.

And tell Mack not to try to be me. What was with that going for it on fourth down then throwing a short pass? If you’re gamble, compadre, go long! The Gilbert kid’s got a rocket arm. Want to be me, Mack? Be prepared for the gambles to fail, but, darn it, go for the gold! There’s only one Bob Stoops, friend, and that position is filled.

Any chance Texas will be looking past us to Nebraska? Those corn shuckers are scaring me this year, I gotta admit it. Tell Mack I said that. Tell him to think about how pissed the Nebbies are about the Big 12 tree shaking. They don’t like Mack, Joe. Heck, they don’t like me! But they’ve got a heck of team this year. It makes me jittery. Tell Mack that. Would you? I wouldn’t want him to worry about my bunch of Sooners. Cuz we’re ready, Joe. As ready as we’ll ever be. The Pepto is in the mail. Talk to you soon, Bubba."

[Editor’s Note: Joe is either delusional or an outright liar.]

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