God vs. Satan: TXRD Calvello Cup Championship

On Saturday, June 23, a healthy half-hour before the last match of the TXRD Lonestar Rollergirls' 2006-2007 season began, the Austin Convention Center was already packed with the typically incongruous crowd of Lonestar Rollergirls fans: Transvestites ebulliently cheered on their favorite rollergirls, wholesome-looking families eagerly waved their clappers, and the Hellcats' cartoonish manager, Jonny Stranger, walked around the venue wearing a hooded cloak and brandishing a light saber.

All fishnet gloves were off during this bout. It was a high-energy championship, beginning with the teams' celebratory introductions. The Holy Rollers lapped around the banked track, each skater holding a plate on which rested a mannequin head made-up to look like a member of the Putas del Fuego. Each Holy Roller skated around the track, tossing her Puta head with vehemence, and then fell to her knees before a pair of clergy. Indeed, the theme of the night was God vs. Satan: The sweet Holy Rollers adorned appropriately white T-shirts labeling themselves the Mother Fucking Holy Rollers, and the fiery Putas made their entrance wearing black capes and varied Satan-worshiping facial expressions.

The first quarter foreshadowed the bout's outcome. For one thing, it was a close quarter, ending with the Holy Rollers in the lead, 8-6. For another, the Putas' crowd-pleasing Chola seemed to be operating with a hot head and a determination to wipe out a Holy Roller at any cost. I admire this woman's style, driving through a sea of opponents as opposed to attempting to maneuver around them; however, around the time of her second major penalty, I was beginning to question Chola's judgment. Most of all, the first quarter demonstrated the competitive nature of these athletes. You would have thought this Calvello Cup was made of precious metal by the manner in which these women played. In the first handful of jams, there were several wipeouts, and jammers were ferociously forcing their ways through equally unforgiving packs of blockers. Moreover, they were losing their tempers. Holy Roller Sister Mary Jane clocked a Puta in the sixth jam, and the first quarter ended with skinny, plucky Puta Chingola being forced to her knees by a Holy Roller and punching her in retaliation.

The point difference hardly exceeded two or three points, the lead interchanging. Among the jamming Putas, the stars of Saturday's game were Chingola and Chola. Venus Envy did her part in helping out her team but was slighted a few times while reaching out for a helping hand from a teammate. Over on the heavenly side of the banked track, long-legged Sister Mary Jane skated her damnedest. She's fast, graceful, and ruthless. Smarty Pants and Helena Handbasket expertly fought, as did Sacrilicious and Axle Rosie. Smarty Pants seemed to be the only Rollergirl with a sense of humor. She flashed the good folks sitting in Spank Alley and grabbed Venus Envy's ass during a jam.

The final quarter was the ugliest. Chola tripped her opponents one time too many, and the jams became increasingly violent. During the very last match of the season, the Holy Rollers were ahead four points; therefore, conceivably, the Putas could have brought the game into overtime. With mere seconds on the clock, it was asking a lot from the Putas, but opportunity was in the air, as Chingola sprinted down the track. Then Sister Mary Jane gave Chingola a swift body push, and the game was over, making the Holy Rollers the 2006-2007 Calvello Cup Champions, winning 27-23. The Holy Rollers embraced and cried, piling together to bask in the glow of their coveted trophy.