Do you believe in miracles, folks? In an almost literal David and Goliath comeback Chris Guillen … OK, the overemoting sportscaster approach doesn’t work when you’re describing a cage fight, does it?
After watching “the Guillotine” Guillen beat the 10-inches-taller Wes “the Project” Sims in an upset of totally cliché-ical proportions Friday at the Austin Convention Center, audience members probably left only inspired to either start a bar fight or take a shower. Or at most, in the case of spectators who paid $250 to sit cage-side, maybe ask for a refund.
After the circus sideshow thrill of seeing a 6-foot-10 dude (Sims) dissipated, the night’s main event – which ended in a unanimous 29-28 decision and was the night‘s only fight to go the distance – was kind of boring, considering the fight’s hype-to-two-punch-drunk-guys-staggering-around ratio, the same problem plaguing a lot of heavyweight boxing matches. Despite his nickname, Guillen unfortunately never went all Wu-Tang on Sims’ ass with a few flying guillotines. The RZA would’ve been, at best, disappointed.
Bloodthirsty fans, though, did get several tastes of brutality in the event's nine previous bouts. First fighter Daniel Pineda set surprisingly ferocious tone Friday when, after pinning opponent Warren Stewart to the mat, Pineda began punching Stewart repeatedly in the face. The audience was silent; even Cobra Kai wouldn’t pull that shit. But soon after the initial shock of the first fight, the audience apparently got comfortable with the Art of War’s violence level. The brutality, not to mention the steel cage and between-round performances by scantily clad dancing girls, gave the whole event an underground boxing feel, and everyone got intoxicated on James Bond villain vibes. But, maybe because the concession stands weren’t selling brandy snifters and chomping cigars, the audience soon grew bored with the face punching and submission holds, and began to holler for blood. While the spit-flecked profanities and sporadic yells of “Break his arm” get big points for their scary quotient, the night’s best catcall award goes to whatever no-doubt-impressive chemical cocktail that inspired someone to yell, with a rabid intensity, “Come on, punch his ass!”
Fight results follow, if you’re keeping track of this stuff at home, maybe for some sort of mixed-martial-arts fantasy league. (I bet the phrase “mixed-martial-arts fantasy league” – not to mention the references of “underground boxing” and ass-punching – will put this blog into an FBI database somewhere.)
(Listed in fight card order – winner in bold, local fighters marked with an asterisk.)
Daniel Pineda vs. Warren Stewart* (Submission, two minutes into Round 1)
Justin Howard vs. Tony Lozano (Submission, 50 seconds into Round 1)
Jarrot Lewis vs. Aaron Flourney* (Submission, 3:30 into Round 1)
Whitney Brown vs. David Riojas (Submission, 1:03 into Round 2)
Justin Wren vs. Matt Thompson* (Knockout, 27 seconds into Round 2)
Chris Bowles vs. Randy Hauer (Submission, 2:14 into Round 2)
Damien Stelly vs. Klas Akesson (Submission, 4:33 into Round 3)
Alex Andrade vs. Brandon McDowell* (Submission, 1:02 into Round 1)
David Loiseau vs. Freddie Espiricueta* (Submission, 3:10 into Round 2)
Wes Sims vs. Chris Guillen (Unanimous decision 28-29)
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