NFL Analysis 101: The Gangs of Fear and Evil
By Timothy Braun, 2:10PM, Mon. Apr. 16, 2007
Well, class, this week we say “so long and thanks for all the fish” to an old friend, and when I say old friend, I mean a person I have never met before. You see my goodly student, Drew Bledsoe retired this week after 14 seasons under center in the greatest show on Earth. Drew came out of Washington state in 1993 to be the first player I ever scouted. Drew is no Hall of Fame dude but was solid and never embarrassed his franchise with off-the-field tomfoolery, and that speaks volumes in this day and age. This week, to honor Bledsoe we will examine two of his old teams. Let us begin …
Buffalo Bills
Printed Comparison: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson
Good God, man, there’s something freakishly wrong here. Bats and demons are swirling like a vortex at unholy speeds toward Ralph Wilson, cutting away at what used to be an unyielding team! Ever since Jim Kelly retired, things just keep getting weirder and weirder.
Prognosis: This comparison really has to do with the “high-water mark” Thompson wrote of at the end of his bombastic classic about the American dream gone weak. The “high-water mark” with this team deals with the four-time almost-winning Super Bowl teams of the Nineties hanging over the modern Bills like fake bats on a desert highway. Simply put, this team seems lost, just looking to make it to December in one piece at the start of every season. Perhaps FSU’s Buster Davis can lead this squad to a new day.
Miami Dolphins
Printed Comparison: Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
When I think of this team, all I see is a troupe of twisted freaks waiting for a change that will never come. After the importing of high-priced characters (Daunte Culpepper, Ricky Williams, any head coach since Don Shula) with no actual character, this team is another losing season away before they pin a bronze star on Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas for just putting up with it all.
Prognosis: Here is what I have heard: New head coach Cam Cameron told Irish QB Brady Quinn to diagram all of the Notre Dame offensive plays in seven minutes. When completed, Cameron instructed Quinn he wanted to see him do the same much faster when next they gathered. Translation: The fish have an eye on Quinn.
New England Patriots (aka Evil)
Printed Comparison: Beyond Good and Evil by Friedrich Nietzsche
Aphorist and paradoxes, this team is good. And I hate them for it.
Prognosis: Draft Gen. Erwin Rommel? He was so effective in Africa. With two first-round picks, these guys need linebackers and safeties to make the legendary blitzkrieg dance. I see the Pats invading the state of Florida for FSU’s Lawrence Timmons, and Brandon Meriweather from Miami.
New York Jets
Printed Comparison: Monkey Wrench Gang by Edward Abbey
A rag-tag mob of young and idealistic rogues exploding the hopes and dreams of unsuspecting opponents to make the world just a little more “green," pun intended.
Prognosis: This is the only team that honestly scares me, and I don’t mean boo. The Jets weren’t supposed to be that good last year, and a solid draft could make this team Super Bowl bound. They need defensive front-seven support to continue their terrorist ways of dispatching the other teams in this division. I like Adam Carriker as the new gang member.
Next class …
Just one division left, before we prep for the draft. Read up on your Edward Albee.
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