The Austin Chronicle

NFL Analysis 101: Messiahs, Little Women, and Birth Control

By Timothy Braun, April 11, 2007, 12:54pm, The Score

It’s been a shockingly quiet week since our last class. Until this was said: "I have made horrible decisions about who I am with or who I am going places with. … Two of my friends who had never driven a Bentley, I let them drive my Bentley one night just because. Not just to show them the upside, but I never had anyone do that for me. It's always the little things that get me in trouble." Pacman Jones to Deion Sanders on the NFL Network.

Golly. People were shot in Vegas as this ghost-chasin’ cat dropped money from the ceiling of a go-go hole, and he thinks letting a buddy drive his Bentley is bad. I expect league Commissioner Roger Goodell to slap an eight-game suspension on Jones for his off-field shenanigans [editor's note: Pacman was suspended for the season]. This is significant because, next to Peyton Manning, Jones is the most important player in the AFC South. Writing of the South, let us get to it.

Houston Texans
Printed Comparison
: Birth Control for Christians: Making Wise Choices by Jenell Williams Paris

How can I airbrush this one? Watch three quarters of a Texans game, and you won’t want to fuck ‘til baseball season.

Prognosis: In truth, what Houston did last year in the draft was hot and naughty by going with defense over that sexy Reggie Bush from SoCal. They recently turned on the groupies by jumping into bed with Atlanta for a hard trade. Houston knows that scoring requires protection for their new QB, Matt Schaub, and that means that offensive-line help is desired. Perhaps Levi Brown from Penn State would be a good pickup.

Indianapolis Colts
Printed Comparison
: Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

I would like to take this moment and beg the ghost of Johnny Unitas for forgiveness. I wanted to use Slaughterhouse Five here, as it‘s my favorite novel and Kurt Vonnegut is from Indy. The Patriots could be the Nazis, and Peyton Manning could be Billy Pilgrim. But let’s take a clean look at this team; the smallish horses finally overcame suffering, legal trials, defections, illnesses, a suicide, and the broken hearts of millions of fans to persevere. Outside of this, pound for girlish pound, the Colts are actually the smallest team in the NFL (example: Safety Bob Sanders is only 5-foot-8-inches). After slaying the Bears, Manning and his sorority are no longer little girls. They are little women.

Wow. I need a good cry now.

Prognosis: You can bet your bodily fluids on what I am about to tell you. The Colts will trade out of the first round, more than likely with Atlanta, to save money and obtain more picks. If this trade happens, and it will, the Colts will select WR Steve Smith from USC (I am thinking with the 44th pick), as the squad is wafer thin at this prized position, then focus on defensive-line, linebacker, and offensive-line services with several picks in rounds three and four.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Printed Comparison:
Tortilla Flats by John Steinbeck

It’s as if QB Byron Leftwich inherited a house from Mark Brunell, and all his delusional paisanos have come to crash on the sofa, hooting and hollering about how they are mighty. Yet, at the end of each season, this team gets sober and watches others in the games that matter.

Prognosis: This team needs a difference maker. Look for free safety Reggie Nelson of Florida. I was gonna write a joke about a dead dog and a candlestick here, but self-control got the better of me.

Tennessee Titans
Printed Comparison
: Dune by Frank Herbert

In a universe of flying fat men (Bud Adams), anger-management casualties (Albert Haynesworth), and privileged princesses (Pacman "Make It Rain” Jones), a messiah has come; all in Austin know his name, and he can bring water to the Titans' arid football world.

Prognosis: Vince Young can’t save the Titans all by his lonesome. Even Paul Muad'Dib had an army of hippies and giant worms. Give this man a wide receiver, and watch the spice flow. I like Ted Ginn Jr. from OSU, and he can return kicks while Pacman is looking for legal representation.

Next class …
What is the difference between a New England Patriot’s fan and a catfish?

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