'NFL Analysis 101': Scary Times for Salty Powers

Bold yet nerve-racking, the Atlanta Falcons are not done with trading. Shipping a backup QB to Houston for two second-round selections (one this year, one next) and the swapping of the 10th to the eight pick in the draft, Atlanta got far too little for the Matt Schaub, a Nordic god with a lightning bolt for a passing arm. Atlanta will make a push to the top of the draft in an attempt to obtain homegrown marvel Calvin Johnson of Georgia Tech. If Detroit signs defunct Houston QB David Carr, the Lions may take the bait of the Black Birds and make a trade all too ironic for the English language.

Now, we continue our studies onto the NFC West, a murder of squads that have boats of potential to make a mark on the ever-weakening NFC.


Arizona Cardinals
Printed Comparison
: The Third Police Man by Flann O'Brien
"The permanent hallucination known conventionally as 'life' is an effect of constantly walking in a particular direction around a sausage-shaped earth, and that night results from 'accumulations of black air.'"

Ken Whisenhunt couldn't wait another year in Steeleburg for a shot at the captain's chair, but what is the point in Arizona? Owner Bill Bidwell can bring in any quantity of sexy draft picks and free agents, but at the end of the season, the Cards will always face darkness.

Prognosis: Russ Grimm migrates to the desert with the Kenny the Wiz Kid, and both know young Matt Leinart must stay upright to toss the piggy to those fantastic Ws. The pick is OT Joe Thomas.

St. Louis Rams
Printed Comparison
: The label on a can of Hill Country Fare sliced carrots I purchased at the HEB on Riverside Drive.

Total Fat: 0g
Sodium: 370mg
Sugar: 3g
Protein: 1g
Vitamin A: 80%
Vitamin C: 6%
Calcium: 4%
Iron: 4%

The Rams seem to have what a growing fan base needs (good coaches, a good QB, offensive weapons), yet every time they drop a game in the fourth quarter, a bitter taste is left on the tongue.

Prognosis: This team needs players on defense. FSU's Lawrence Timmons could add some flavor.

San Francisco 49ers
Printed Comparison
: Book of Salt by Monique Truong
Like Truong's novel of food and gay lovin', this team is vastly underrated. In little time, coach Mike Nolan has baked this team into one hard-hitting, never-say-die bunch of sweetasses. And they have a nice tight end. Yeah, I feel dirty. Truthfully, Nolan is one draft away from a playoff feast.

Prognosis: Jamal Anderson should make this defense rise like a sourdough roll.

Seattle Seahawks
Printed Comparison
: The Regulators by Richard Bachman
A calculating Northern Super Bowl-appearing team running the West Coast offense, complemented with a blue-collar defense. The voice, the tone, everything is so familiar. It is as if I have read this script before, but the first time was so much better, like I am reading a great author but under a different name, and the story ain't as cool.

Prognosis: Unlike a Stephen King novel, Bachman's work, I mean Seattle, lacks a hard edge. Longhorn Michael Griffin could make this overachieving team just a little scarier.

For Next Class

Say hello to the AFC.

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