Midseason Lonestar Rollergirls Bout: Holy Rollers vs. Rhinestone Cowgirls

Sunday, Feb. 11, proved to be yet another rollicking time of panty-grabbing and hair-pulling at the Texas Roller Derby's Lonestar Rollergirls' most recent bout, at the Austin Convention Center. June 23 marks the final date of the 2006-2007 season, when the two front-running teams (out of five) will compete in the Calvello Cup Championship. Catch the next bout Sunday, Feb. 25, also at the Convention Center with last season's champs, Putas del Fuego, vs. the Cherry Bombs.

Sunday's matchup featured the Holy Rollers and the Rhinestone Cowgirls. Despite their spunk, the Cowgirls had nothing on the Holy Rollers, seeing as those demonic vixens won the first jam and didn't let up until the final score was settled: 72-43. Move bitch, get out tha way!

The bout got off to a slow start, but after only a fistful of jams, Holy Rollers superstar Axle Rosie made her mighty presence known and unforgotten throughout the remainder of the bout. Fast, ferocious, and, well, tall, Miss Axle, the Holy Rollers' most-prized lead jammer, had a knack for lapping opponents in an easy, breezy fashion. Often scoring the full 4 points in her jams, Axle Rosie hardly needed her teammates to give helpful pulls and pushes. Of course, the whole team worked together, and the Rhinestone Cowgirls' blockers, notably Honey Homicide and Rollergazm, gave concerted efforts to block the hot Rollergirl, but there was no stopping Axle.

Penalties – both minor and major – were met with cute little challenges for the violator and the violatee. Tugs-of-war, pillow fights, push carts, long jumps, and obligatory ass-slapping of audience members were among the "penalties" suffered by bad Rollergirls. However, half of the time the penalties devolved into catfights with no points awarded to either team. During one such fun-filled episode, the Holy Rollers' Sister Mary Jane tackled one of the Rhinestone Cowgirls, pinned her to the ground, planted a pretty little wet one on her face, and then briskly skated away in a flash, prancing around the track in mockery of her just-been-kissed opponent. The crowd, naturally, went wild, especially the drunk, screaming woman behind me. Penalties were determined by the spin of a fortune wheel.

Fortunate indeed were the birthday boys and girls in the audience. During the halftime show, these audience members lined up against the wall of the track to receive slaps to the ass by the hands of the lovely tramp-stamped hotties on skates. Meanwhile, my companion, whose birthday was last night, pouted next to me. "I should have told them it was my birthday! I could've gotten spanked by all the Rollergirls."

At halftime, the Holy Rollers were in the lead, 28-15. While the ladies rested and the crowd (as always a strange assortment of freaks and normos) guzzled more Lone Star Beer, the Arab League took the stage. This hip-hop group, dressed as Middle Easterners, rapped about U.S. foreign policy and the war in Iraq. They were accompanied by a lady dressed as a belly dancer (but definitely not dancing like one) and a dude dressed as a suicide bomber. Their act was ... unimpressive. It seemed as though Spanky, the TXRD mascot, was enjoying it, though. But, let's be honest, it doesn't take much to get old Spanky revved up.

The jams during the second half of the bout proved to be more exciting. Axle Rosie helped her team score 4-pointers again and again, and the Rhinestone Cowgirls' Catalac Kid and Emme Proper scored on several jams, leading to panty-exposing, roll-around catfights among the competing players. The Holy Rollers' Horrorshow and Mz. Behavin' also made some excellent plays and blocks, helping the team claim victory. And most fortunately, there were no casualties, though I'm sure there were plenty of bruised-up shins and egos.

Don't forget the next bout for the Lonestar Rollergirls happens Sunday, Feb. 25, at the Austin Convention Center, where the Cherry Bombs will compete against last year's champions, Putas del Fuego. The doors open at 6pm; tickets are $15 at the door or $13 presale. Visit www.txrd.com for the remaining schedule.

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