The Austin Chronicle

Are You the Jerk Vulcan Video Wants Arrested?

By Monica Riese, October 22, 2013, 4:01pm, Picture in Picture

Our pals over at Vulcan Video have a new mortal enemy.

In a seriously scathing rant allegedly taped up in the 29th & Guadalupe outpost that made its way to the Austin subsection of Reddit today, a Vulcan clerk tears into a heretofore unknown patron jackass who's been ripping off the 23-year Best of Austin champ's Criterion Collection covers.

We agree that Criterion artwork is a lovely addition to these releases, but seriously: It takes a pretty hefty set of cojones to return a DVD to your friendly neighborhood rental shop with the cover slipped out. Vulcan's presumptive employee of the year lays into the guilty cretin, taking down his/her IKEA hand-me-downs and future dating prospects in the process, and comparing the slimy jerk to the "gentleman that used to take pictures of his ding dong with a Polaroid and leave them laying on the shelves."

That's pretty rough company to keep, Criterion Thief (even without considering #3's elaboration that the aforementioned ding dongs were – and we quote – "tiny").

So, seriously: Let us help spread the word. If you're that guy/gal with all the Criterion covers wallpapering your apartment, get a grip. Stop driving our poor video store clerks nuts and put your rental fees toward an inkjet printer so you can print off as many stolen Criterion covers as your heart desires. Meanwhile, this is why we can't have nice things.

To the rest of you upstanding citizens: Keep up the good work. Enjoy a chuckle at this all-caps masterpiece, and be sure to hug a Vulcan clerk next time you're in the shop. It sounds like they need it.

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