The Austin Chronicle

The AggreGAYtor: February 8

By Brandon Watson, February 8, 2013, 2:15pm, Qmmunity

Madonna gets out of jail free, Christopher Dorner sends out an awkward valentine, and Steve Doocy pledges Alpha Beta. Just when you thought ya seen it all, along comes today’s AggreGAYtor four foot tall.

• Ex-LAPD fugitive Christopher Dorner’s online manifesto lists lesbian cops as specific targets. Dorner also included farewells messages to his favorite celebrities – including Ellen Degeneres and Wanda Sykes.

• The Senate has rejected Charles Grassley’s stripped-down version of the Violence Against Women Act - perhaps worried that even non-direct contact with the reaper-esque senator would bring about an early death.

• Indiana’s assembly has announced that a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage will not be on the 2013 slate. Let’s face it, gay marriage pales in comparison to the other issues tearing up Hoosier homes. Shockingly, none of their children can write in cursive. And everyone is constantly confused because of the two time-zones. It’s like a Cormac McCarthy novel come to life.

• Meanwhile North Dakota lawmakers, who narrowly escaped Indiana’s Mayan apocalypse, have plenty of time to debate a new LGBT discrimination ordinance.

Focus on the Family dingbat Glenn Stanton may think using the word “pernicious” will deter us queers from wanting to same-sex the marriage party, but frankly the word sounds too juicy. It’s like a just-picked, perfectly ripened mango. Drip, drip, slurp.

• While watching Steve Doocy’s ha-ha happy hour, I always wonder who would actually be friends with Fox. The show reeks with frat-house humor. Honestly, it’s like someone told the Cheezburger Network they were the new View.

• Here’s a new one for those keeping a scorecard of religious right rhetorical one-upmanship. Laurie Higgins of noxious gay-truthers the Illinois Family Institute draws a straight line from gays to white supremacists.

• Not to be outdone, Jerry Newcombe of Truth in Action Ministries says that repealing the Boy Scouts’ gay ban would be a “mad dash toward Gomorrah.” Coincidentally, that is also the theme of Austin Pride’s 2013 Rainbow Run.

Joe Biden says the White House is taking a “wait and see” approach to LGBT immigration. Harumph!

• Out Senator Stanley Rosenberg has been named the Massachusetts state majority leader.

Freedom to Marry is set to give $2 million in six key battleground states. They also intend to give an Edible Arrangement but remain split between pineapple hearts and chocolate stars.

President Obama avoided the subject of marriage equality at yesterday’s National Prayer Breakfast, mostly by gobbling buttered croissants and apologetically pointing to his mouth.

• The City of San Francisco is mulling over a proposal to compensate domestic partners for extra federal taxes.

• The family of suicide victim Jadin Bell are starting a foundation to fight bullying.

• Some health classes in Maryland’s Prince George School District were treated to a “educational” cartoon about conversion therapy. Filmmaker Christopher J. Doyle probably should have been a little pickier about his casting decisions, however. We all know Snagglepuss is on Scruff.

• Liberal Anglican priests are planning to flout the church’s gay marriage ban.

• An appeals court has upheld Russia’s decision to not prosecute Madonna’s gay propaganda. The decision proved to be fortuitous for Madge who admits that if she ran away, she’d never have the strength to go very far.

• While spandex whirligig Johnny Weir plans to spend the Sochi Olympics dressed as Raisa Gorbachova, he’s advising other gay athletes to tone it down for the Russians.

• USA Network drama Necessary Roughness plans to tackle sports homophobia in its season finale. see what I did there with "tackle?" #butchqueenfirsttimeindrag

Marc Jacobs has been named the latest creative director of Diet Coke. Although Jacobs’ coke has always contained artificial sweeteners, this is the first time he will contemplate the liquid form.

• Transgender activists are doubtful that Dallas will add surgery costs to covered healthcare.

• This is turning out to be a very active legislative session for Texas LGBT related bills. Yesterday state reps Rafael Anchia and Garnet Coleman filed resolutions to end Texas’ constitutional ban on gay marriage.

• Tomorrow’s Austin HRC gala will be honoring ZACH artistic director Dave Steakley and AT&T diversity marketing director Laura Hernandez.

• Boy howdy, is central Texas lucky to have great thinkers like Austin Catholic News Media’s Matt Sullivan. Before reading his sage take on being friends with wascally LGBT folk, I thought one should treat humans like humans. But obviously condescension and verbose scorn are what we really want. Let’s be pals, Matty! I’ve been looking for the second half of my "be fri" necklace!

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