The Austin Chronicle

The AggreGAYtor: January 2

By Brandon Watson, January 2, 2013, 12:15pm, Qmmunity

Fantasia Barrino’s popularity idles, Charlie Sheen tawt he taw a putty tat, and Silvio Berlusconi bungas another statement. Today’s AggreGAYtor forgets auld acquaintance.

• Rhode Island House Speaker Gordon Fox wants to take up marriage equality before the end of the month.

• On Friday, the South will rise again.

• Officials in Kansas, taking a short break from their preoccupation with what Auntie Em’s vagina, are trying to solicit child support from a sperm donor to avoid acknowledging lesbian co-parents.

• The Catholic Church’s latest tactic asserts that religion has nothing to do with their opposition to marriage equality. No siree! The church just adores natural law and doesn’t want to see it violated. Just ask Galileo.

• Moscow, Idaho passes anti-LGBT discrimination ordinances, is immediately accused of being communist.

If wishes were horses, the Cowboy Church of Virginia would ride.

• Three days into legalized same sex nuptials, a Litchfield, Maine gay couple was denied marriage papers by local clerk.

Obama is using his presidential wiles to convince Illinois lawmakers to pass marriage equality. He’s probably doing this by serenading them Al Green songs while Michelle’s away on business, which may or may not be a dream your AggreGAYtor frequently has. Don’t judge.

• Thanks to disembodied voice of Linda Harvey, I know now that all gay blogs are composed of lie-y lies and the lies who love them. Honestly, it’s as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The truth is often as dry as Korbel Brut. From now on, the AggreGAYtor will be a space opera.

• Speaking of speculative fiction, Ms. Harvey also thinks that LGBT rights are killing the children, which she believes are the future that can remind us how we used to be.

Thomas Beatie, best known for his post-transition pregnancy, is in legal limbo in his divorce case.

• Ugandan authorities have arrested LGBT youth advocate Joseph Kaweesi for “recruiting” teens into homosexuality.

• Meanwhile, the offices of Sexual Minorities Uganda have been robbed and vandalized, prompting worries that the member list and other digital files will be used maliciously.

Silvio Berlusconi, Donald Trump’s dæmon cleverly disguised in a pan fried ravioli, laughs that his critics have never accused him of being gay or stealing money. That’s obviously because those photos depicting his pickpocketing technique never got published.

• Russian pro footballer Alexander Kokorin and Pavel Mamaev have created quite a stir by sharing a set of intimate vacation pics. Honestly, two guys can’t even share a slippery butt naked bubble bath these days without someone starting gay rumors.

• In Senegal, a gay couple has been ferociously attacked by the parents of one of the men.

• Pakistani Islamist extremists are not all that happy with a series of paintings featuring Muslim clerics in vaguely homoerotic scenes.

• Vacationing in Jamaica, Cathy has a gay panic, consoles herself with chocolate.

• I can kind of empathize with Detroit Tigers’ Torii Hunter’s recent statement that having an openly gay teammate would be “difficult” and “uncomfortable.” I can only assume that, like me, all of his knowledge of the locker room comes from gay porn. There are only so many puns on bats and balls a man can take.

• It’s not that reality chanteuse Fantasia Barrino doesn’t support her gay fans; it’s just that she really wants to see us remain single. Sow those wild oats, she always tells me when we are sipping Elderflower Mimosas; sow them like an American Angus.

Charlie Sheen’s lisp is getting in the way of his usually erudite public persona. Just this week, an scientific exploration of maggot anatomy was misinterpreted as a rant against “faggot assholes.” It has also derailed his planned documentary series about truckers battling ennui in the former Soviet bloc. (You figure that one out – it’s today’s GP challenge!)

• If British reality wanker Jim Davidson is so anti-gay, why did he let a Thai “lady boy” suck him off that one time, counters British reality wanker Jim Davidson.

Miley Cyrus says that she loves London because it is teaming with homos. It may very well be, but I suspect she’s just misinterpreting the accents. Due to Billy Ray's somewhat limited approach to parent, it wasn't until her teens that she realized TV aired something other than Nascar.

Jenna Talackova, the first transgender contestant in the Miss Universe pageant, is getting her own reality show.

VIDEO BONUS: Here’s Kathy Griffin trying to dick Anderson Cooper’s clark.

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