Time Keeps On Slipping, Slipping, Slipping Into the Future
I never made it into the Mickey Mouse Club as a kid but today I am a proud, shoe carrying member of Club Chronicle 2007.
10:24PM, Sat. Nov. 3, 2007
Hi, sorry I'm late, my name is Ian and I'm a first time racer and blogger.
I never made it into the Mickey Mouse Club as a kid but today I am a proud, shoe carrying member of Club Chronicle 2007. My membership includes a commitment to blog about my experiences exercising and training for the Trail of Lights race. And it's time for me to show up to this blog part!
Looking back I've had log-in access to our Club Chronicle blog entry page for a month, since Oct 3rd. I've ever-so-slowly been searching for my "blog voice" through various venues, including emailing with my clubmates, talking with my family and friends, and, of course, exploring with my therapist.
Through the month long blog inquiry I have learned that having never blogged before seems like an odd thing to some and having fear around blogging has sounded even stranger to a few. "Besides, Ian, it's just writing what's going on in your life. You've even got a topic," others say, "just talk about what it's like for you to exercise and train for a race and about your goal in doing this." My wife has even offered to do the typing while I "just talk." So what about my goal "to cross the finish line?" Isn't that everyone's goal? Yeah, so this blog part should be easy for me like it seems to be for others (admittedly my own perception and projection). But blogging has continued to stir up more mystery and anxiety for me than the race or the finish line! With my lack of experience in the blog world I've equated blogging with blabbing...blabbing about things that don't interest others, an assumption I made from the similarity in words (yes, a simple mind I have). I've also thought of it as chit-chat, an activity that I aspire to be good at some day though it's gotten low on my priorities lately. I've also been one to support and encourage others who tell me they are blogging...like I knew what it meant. Perhaps I did know what it meant because I knew what it meant to each one of them. And finally, this morning, I looked "blog" up on the internet and this brought me more confusion and anxiety. Especially finding blogs written by seasoned bloggers about blogging - nothing like an expert speaking on their own expertise to help boost your anxiety!
Until now! Now I'm discovering more anger and sadness than anxiety...and with this I'm finally discovering my "blog voice." Because now I'm understanding that my "blog voice" is nothing more or less than my own voice. Many a great writer has been motivated by anger and sadness. I don't know if my blog will be great writing but it feels great to be writing. Wow, I said "my blog." So this is really happening. Btw (I learned this means "by the way," thanks for reading thus far...hope you'll stick around...I have no idea what's blogging ahead.
So what's the anger and sadness? If you've listened to my intro video on this site (please do) then you know I have cancer (more on that later) so it figures that I have these feelings...confusion, fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. Having cancer is what motivated this not-a-jock guy to step up for the race, to submit an entry form for Club Chronicle, and to show up for this blog...and now having cancer seems to be getting in my way!
I'm really steamed that last Saturday and again today I've been unable to train with my fellow Clubsters and for the most part have been unable to do much training between Saturdays; enjoyed a few walks with a friend and our dogs. Want to see a grown man cry? OK, yes, I'm under a lot of stress, on a lot of roller coaster medications including chemo, and sleep deprived but crying for a missed training? When I saw the tears with my first missed training I didn't think much but this second angry cry last night and again today really let me know how important this is to me. The race, the training, the blog...all that is right now is important to me...what is right now is my Grand Prize.
So here's a start on the cancer stuff...
Four months ago today I had a lung biopsy and four days later was told I have inoperable lung cancer...Stage 4 Bronchoalveolar Carcinoma (BAC). So after more scans and opinions I started chemotherapy and continue each week. Since then "Time Keeps On Slipping, Slipping, Slipping Into the Future." I'll talk more about my cancer, treatment, side effects, etc...lots more as it's my full time job with unending over time and no holidays.
Just to get it out of the way...no, I don't smoke...don't worry about asking me this...most everyone does ask us, the lung cancer patients. Sometimes it's the first question and sometimes it's discreetly woven in with more empathic connection...regardless of the delivery, the question comes to us. Some of us (the lung cancer patients) joke about what people first ask (or want to ask) other cancer patients...you know, breast, testicular, colon, etc. cancer patients...what do you ask?
So I never was a smoker...bit of "being cool" experimentation as a kid and in college, but not "a smoker." My lung cancer is secondary to my radiation and chemotherapy treatment for Hodkins lymphoma, a cancer I had in 1996. Can you hear how I'm trying to defend that I have lung cancer without being a smoker? There's a divide in our patient population that seems to be a reflection of our society at large, a divide in stigma and in treatment funding especially. Forgive me for getting caught up in the issue for a moment but I wanted to make a point.
Wow, "I wanted to make a point" means that I must be really blogging now. The internet research about blogs taught me that blogs began in the 1980s to inform, make commentary and share opinions and in the 1990s expanded to include more personal diary formats. I also learned that the word "blog" was picked up as short for "web log" and that some of the earliest ongoing personal blogs date back to 1994. I didn't even have the internet then.
Enough chit chat?
Well, now that the cancer stuff is on the table, I'd like to say a little more about my goal in doing this race. When I filled out the entry form for Club Chronicle I didn't write this part down (too scared) but I knew the deeper truth of my goal "to cross the finish line"... that my goal is to LIVE to cross the finish line. LIVING...that's both my goal and my Grand Prize! And I've got my eyes set on every finish line until Club Chronicle 2037!
So now I've done it! I've opened my blog mouth, taking up more bytes than I imagined on my first blab. Thanks for listening. Remember this is a first run for me, both on the ground and here in cyberspace. A first run with what is turning out to be an intense cross training experience. I am racing for my life and whether or not my body moves right now, my soul does.
Until later, may all beings breathe freely and deeply...