The Austin Chronicle

Jesse James F. U.

By Brandon Watson, November 15, 2013, 12:30pm, Newsdesk

In a sea of Larry the Cable Guy flannel, it can be difficult for today's gun nut to stand apart from the crowd. Whether it's intimidating ladies who lunch or hunting an endangered black rhinoceros, one needs a semi-automatic with pizzaz. Elegance is de rigueur. One can't simply parade around the Alamo half-cocked.

Luckily, the landed gentry will soon have a few new options for their endless promenades. Like a soul patch da Vinci, Jesse James has been secretly drafting the concept for a new type of firearm. This Saturday, Sandra Bullock's youthful indiscretion will be debuting the fruits of his labor at an exclusive launch party at the Rattle Inn. Ladies and gentleman, Jesse James Firearms Unlimited has arrived.

What should one expect from JJFU (ahem)? No doubt, phallic proportions will be on display. Perhaps James took inspiration from previous peccadillos, borrowing the artful stardust of Kat Von D or the odd swastika or two from Bombshell McGee. Or maybe he drew inspiration from his wife's high-octane promotional posters. Vroom, vroom.

James is for now remaining coy, only offering vague hints about the craftsmanship. "It's taking the same theory behind my world-famous bikes and applying it to another passion of mine, which is guns," the bad boy explained in a press release. "Making Texas my home has inspired me to pursue my passion for products made in America and one-of-a-kind craftsmanship, and I am proud to apply both to Jesse James Firearms Unlimited."

The designer gun line will have an initial offering of an AR-15 rifle and an all-American 1911 pistol, but promises future expansion to a full gun array "that appeal[s] to military and law enforcement as well as to the individual gun enthusiast."

Rest assured, barrels won't be the only thing shining at Saturday's event. The guest list dazzles with "200 high-profile guests." Among those present will be shampoo sultan (and James' father-in-law) John Paul DeJoria, YouTube personality Colion Noir, and leaders from the Texas State Rifle Association and the National Rifle Association. And, of course, Texas lawmakers.

If everyone is lucky, Rep. Debbie Riddle will show up for an impromptu performance of Annie Get Your Gun. There truly is no business like show business.

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