Pater Familias

It's the stuff of stump speech legend. Rafael Cruz flees the regime of Fulgencio Batista in 1957, $100 sewn in his underwear. His son, Sen. Ted Cruz, uses the tale to tout his mom and apple pie bonafides. In Tea Party America, they are eating it up.

Increasingly, the elder Cruz has become a political celebrity in his own right, headlining the same conservative events that helped propel Ted to the national stage. He has also become a campaign surrogate, spouting off the sort of dog whistle politics that could make the Texas senator seem less presidential. If the younger Cruz wears the "wacko bird" label like a crown, his preacher father is the center jewel.

Right Wing Watch has recently unearthed some footage of a speech Rafael gave during a June Dean Bible Ministries men's prayer breakfast. Judging by the rant, the elder Cruz is stuck in a perpetual cold war. And if his son is Rocky, secular forces are a sneering Drago.

"You know communism or socialism, whatever you want to call it, what is happening in this country is not different than what happened in Cuba," Cruz told the crowd, "the procedure might be different, they may be a little slower, but it’s the same thing. It is about government control of your lives."

Sounds scary. But surely America is protected from a mostly obsolete political philosophy. Not so fast, says Rafael.

"You got to realize how Marxist, how socialism works. We need to understand the issues. When you hear all these things about homosexual marriage, this has nothing to do with homosexual rights. Did you know that? The whole objective is the destruction of the traditional family, it has nothing to do with homosexuals, they could care less about homosexuals, they want to destroy the family."

Paul Lynde was just a pawn of the red forces, blissfully unaware that he would have to give up the center square for a tastefully decorated sleeper cell. It's certainly no laughing matter. The pinkos have already infiltrated the Boy Scouts of America, a group second only to the Bilderberg Group in their geopolitical power. The gays may say they're just interested in cake toppers and engraved invitations, but they will not stop until Lady Liberty is in flames.

What's more, they aren't the only ones. Charles Darwin has been lurking in the shadows, ready to bamboozle folks with his siren's song. It probably sounds a little bit like Lady Gaga.

"But you know something, Karl Marx said it," further explains Cruz, "‘I can use the teachings of Darwin to promote communism.’ Why? Because communism, or call it socialism if you think communism is too hard a word, necessitates for government to be your god and for government to be your god they need to destroy the concept of God. That’s why communism and evolution go hand and hand. Evolution is one of the strongest tools of Marxism because if they can convince you that you came from a monkey, it’s much easier to convince you that God does not exist."

Apparently they are doing a pretty terrific job."You know most Americans have their head in the sand about evolution," Rafael said, "I’ve met so many Christians that tell me ‘evolution is a scientific fact.’ Baloney! I am a scientist, there is nothing scientific about evolution.

Rafael Cruz is a scientist, y'all – like Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith with bras over their heads. His "experiments" mostly involve seeing how much bullshit he can float, but never mind. Let's give him the Nobel Prize.

That is if it's not too late. According to Rafael, Satan already "rules the halls of legislation." Of course, with his son's influence shifting Republican ideology to increasing extremes, he might just have a point.

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