News Ticker: November 1

Joel Osteen talks dirty, Nolan Ryan considers another base run, and Rick Perry delivers a requiem for a dream. Arousal is on the News Ticker.

• While the rest of the world was trick-or-treating last night, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals was busy handing out poisoned apples.

• In reporting the rescue efforts following the Halloween flood, the AP called Central Texas the "midsection" of the state. We suppose that's better than being called the groin, as long as Texas stays away from crop tops.

• For those wanting to help in the relief efforts, Austin ISD has a handy guide.

• If Atty. Gen. Greg Abbott can be believed, the economy, much like Shep Smith's makeup, is cracking.

• Ag commissioner candidate Tommy Merritt will be sponsoring a NASCAR entry this weekend at the Texas Motor Speedway. That's sure to keep the competitor's wheels turning. Still, some folks think he's moving too fast.

• Baseball great Nolan Ryan may also be planning a run for ag commissioner too. It's like he's trying to be the king of his own umpire.

• Moving on from puns, Rep. Allen Fletcher is actively campaigning to unseat his colleague, Rep. J.D. Sheffield. Things are going to get really awkward if they ever play Mancala.

• Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has ordered that the National Guard follow federal policy regarding same-sex families. That means Fort Hood will have to stop being a rebel. No one really liked Dylan on 90210 anyway.

• For the third year, the Lower Colorado River Authority is recommending that rice farmers get none of that sweet, sweet reservoir water. They can always pour dead champagne on their crops. It will be simply luxurious.

• Joel Osteen walks into a bar…

• 400 barrels of oil have contaminated a private pond and two reservoirs in Smithville. Turns out oil, like hope, floats.

• In other crude news, scientists are divining the end of the fracking boom.

• Someone stop the Austin Police Department before they discover Instagram filters.

Parking violator happy that his vehicle didn't get towed. #poltwt pic.twitter.com/lLoRRxByDZ

— Austin Police Dept (@Austin_Police) November 1, 2013

#poltwt pic.twitter.com/XFmpfIujG3

— Austin Police Dept (@Austin_Police) November 1, 2013

• Lastly, Gov. Rick Perry shares some inspiration heading into the weekend. Also, apparently conservative and progressive states are having some sort of bowl game. Maybe it's on ESPN2.

Pursue your dream…red states vs blue states! http://t.co/ULcN53vuhq

— Rick Perry (@GovernorPerry) November 1, 2013