The Austin Chronicle

News Ticker: October 2

By Brandon Watson, October 2, 2013, 4:45pm, Newsdesk

Blake Farenthold cracks a joke, Rick Perry puts Anita in her place, and Roger Williams gets vandalized. Pet peeves are on the News Ticker.

• Like a tabby who loudly mews for tuna even though you have just opened up a can of chickpeas, the greatest legislative body on earth can be a pain in the ass.

• Some are feeling gleeful about the showcase shutdown. Engorged tick Rep. Blake Farenthold thinks it is "basically a paid vacation." The kind where you don't get paid so you miss your mortgage payment. It's like the Sandals Resort without sandals, the Poconos with just no.

• Rep. Roger Williams, on the other hand, is feeling a little bit persecuted. He called the posters taped on his district office door a "hate crime," no different from that time Matthew Shepard and James Byrd had posters taped to their door.

Texas Democrats are having a good ole fashioned soundbite hootenanny, heartened by news that the blame is allemanding right.

• Meanwhile taxation fetishist Grover Norquist blames Sen. Ted Cruz for setting the Republicans on the wrong path. Really, the whole thing is just like the plot to Camp Beverly Hills.

• None of this, of course, is stopping the dread scourge of Obamacare. But if the Affordable Care Act can be a little maze-like, the Texas GOP wants to be the little pixelated ghosts.

• Moving on. Gov. Rick Perry says First Lady Anita Perry misspoke when she said abortion "could be a woman's right." According to Man-Perry, Anita really meant to cheer on her husbands crusade against female decision-making before punching Evan Smith in the throat.

• Secret stash, heavy bread. Baddest bitches in the bed. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice has apparently found a pentobarbital pusherman.

• Unlike Jan Brady's dashing beau George Glass, Libertarian gubernatorial candidate Kathie Glass is entirely fictional.

• We're not sure why, but Atty. Gen. Greg Abbott is apparently inviting Texans to come and take his condoms. We guess his Catholic faith really does affect every area of his life.

• We are not sure if the Austin Independent Citizens Redistricting Commission preliminary map gives equal representation to all concerned parties, but we are ordering 20 yards of it to reupholster our chesterfield.

• Austin's final ranking in the FBI's 2012 Unified Crime Report places us at no. 2 in violent crime. That means we are just like Pepsi, but with murders.

• Creatives! Affordable Housing! This survey has it all!

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