The Austin Chronicle

News Ticker: September 10

By Brandon Watson, September 10, 2013, 4:30pm, Newsdesk

Greg Abbott criticizes sketch comedy, Wendy Davis hides from a stalker, and Michael Dell gets a happy ending. Dramatic tension is on the News Ticker.

• The Houston Chronicle's Peggy Fikac wants Sen. Wendy Davis to ready herself for the "harsh spotlight" of the gubernatorial race. That harsh spotlight mostly be Peggy Fikac carrying a Coleman lantern while whispering "hey Wendy" in the middle of the night, but we're sure it will still be annoying.

• Despite all the huffing and puffing of state Republicans, Texas still has received a good chunk of change under the Affordable Care Act. Most of that will be going to abstinence-based education so that Texas can continue to lead the nation in uninsured mothers. Thanks Obama!

• With Rep. Jim Pitts not seeking reelection, House Speaker Joe Strauss' "band of 11" will now be down to four members. Expect their early orchestral sound to give way to something more angular.

• The conservative Texas for Texans PAC is apparently as Texan as Honey Boo Boo eating a peach on a veranda.

• Like a mosquito smashed against a window or a puddle of acid slowly eating away the finish on your hardwood floors, the San Antonio Express-News reminds that Sen. Donna Campbell is "no wallflower."

• Atty. Gen. Greg Abbott is seriously considering filing a challenge to San Antonio's newly approved nondiscrimination ordinance. He still sounds more homoerotic than supporters of the ordinance by insisting the NDO was rammed through.

• Speaking of the Abbott, he has recently taken up writing speculative fan fiction starring Sen. Al Franken. In this case, we are glad about his usual screams of "no homo."

• Austin-based Texas Advocacy Project Executive Director Andrea Sloan is fighting a life and death battle with fighting BioMarin Pharmaceutical to release an FDA unapproved drug under "compassionate use."

• After a certain point, people will just have to start rephrasing questions so that Sen. Ted Cruz's predilection for saying no works against him. Would you like to remain in politics, Mr. Cruz? Would you like this delicious ice cream sandwich?

• The creationist wing of the Texas State Board of Education has some serious concerns about science textbooks. For instance, lessons warn about the dangers of overfishing when everyone knows we just need two fish to eat for centuries. Jesus is their grill master.

• Playboy Marfa, an installation that dares to ask,"what if Donald Judd grew up watching Whitesnake videos," has been ordered to be removed by the Texas Department of Transport.

• Just for a change from the usual political cheerleading, we hope Agriculture Commissioner Todd Staples' "Bus Blog" eventually breaks down to Patrick Breen level desperation. Day 10: Forced to eat Susan Combs, found the meat "unsatisfying."

• At the jubilee cum tent revival celebrating the closure of the Bryan Planned Parenthood, 40 Days for Life deep thinker David Arabie said of the anti-choice movement "We don't like bullies." Still, they hate all those abortion-having trollops more, so they continue to work together.

• Dude, Michael Dell is getting a Dell.

Copyright © 2024 Austin Chronicle Corporation. All rights reserved.