The Austin Chronicle

News Ticker: September 6

By Brandon Watson, September 6, 2013, 3:17pm, Newsdesk

Donna Campbell swallows a jagged little pill, Ginger Russell asks "what's going on?", and Elisa Chan justifies her love. Diva worship is on the News Ticker.

• We would like to offer some advice to the Gap Inc. employee giving her assent to "abortion expert" Sen. Donna Campbell's mini-rant about yesterday's passage of the San Antonio nondiscrimination ordinance. You can say "you go" when your favorite queen lip-synchs for her life on RuPaul's Drag Race. You can even say "you go" when Southern Baptist ministers begin to take a more nuanced approach to the LGBT movement. But unless you are kicking her out of your Nicholas Sparks book club, you can never, ever say, "You go Dr. Campbell!"

• Speaking of the NDO, CM Elisa Chan was quick to remind, “Just because I disagree with the lifestyle choices of the LGBT community doesn't mean that I dislike them." She must be talking about all those Subarus we buy. It is a bit much, but we're just really concerned about gas mileage.

• Of course, these days the whole "debate" is, like, so passé. The Austin American-Statesman wants folks to know that Austin was into nondiscrimination ordinances before nondiscrimination ordinances were cool. Like, ours is pressed on vinyl.

• After decades of prohibition, Texans can again carry switchblades around town. Prepare for a slippery slope of synchronized finger snapping and random fouetteés.

• We're not entirely sure what point the Texas Department of Agriculture is trying to make by tweeting a picture of a drought "flourishing" sunflower. Are sunflowers the new cash crop? Is it a metaphor for the resilience of Texans? Did Mayim Bialik take over their social media?

More abortion clinics are set to close as a result of Rep. Jodie Laubenberg's foray into the dark arts.

• The Austin Police Department unveiled a new Eurocopter today. Although it may seem audacious to purchase such a machine during city budget season, taxpayers shouldn't worry. the city was able to get it on the cheap after its disastrous performance at this year's Eurovision song contest.

• Yesterday, Capital Metro officials and U.S. Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx announced an $11 million federal grant aiming to make getting around in Austin less hellish. Austin is on the move, ya'll.

• Except for tomorrow, when everything will be detoured because of all that Pride business.

• Pissed-off mother Ginger Russell has posted several of CSCOPE tests online in an effort to expose "bias." Shockingly, children are being forced to learn about the Middle East, when the only things they really need to know can be found in the lyrics to Lee Greenwood's "Proud To be an American."

• Besides, conservatives shouldn't even care about the Middle East. It's not as if anything important happens there.

Yikes! No wonder the National Review reads like a Stephen King novel.

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