Wide Stance Under the Mistletoe

Something surprising under the Christmas tree!

Most people settle for a Christmas card with their picture on it, but U.S. Sen. Larry "I Was Picking Up Some Paper" Craig, R-Idaho, gets to do one better. Custom action figure firm HeroBuilders has just released its Larry Craig action figure. Apparently the 12-inch toy comes with a T-shirt that says, "I am not gay," which is pretty much the only denial technique the senator has not used yet.

For those looking for replayability, when you press on his chest, a recording of his famous press conference plays, and mini-Craig says, "Thank you all very much for coming out today. I will read a statement: 'I am not gay. I never have been gay.'" It also comes with all the features one would expect from a modern boy, including flexible limbs. Tragically, no built-in superpower-activated wide stance, which would be this generation's answer to GI Joe's kung-fu grip. (To quote comedian Demitri Martin, the only difference between a toy and an adult toy? Location, location, location.)

Chronic doubts that it's an officially licensed figure, molded with the senator's loving approval. However, he may yet ask for royalties for the use of his likeness. Then deny that he'd asked for royalties. Then, under pressure from the GOP, ask for royalties again. Then say he won't ask for royalties now, but will before the next election.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

READ MORE
More Homophobia
Dan Patrick Excoriated Over Orlando Shooting Tweet
Dan Patrick Excoriated Over Orlando Shooting Tweet
Lite Guv blames Twitter debacle on timing, not bigotry

Richard Whittaker, June 12, 2016

Sign Here for Prejudice
Sign Here for Prejudice
Efforts to repeal Plano's ban on discrimination

Blake McCoy, Jan. 9, 2015

More Christmas
I'm Dreaming of a No Cook Christmas
I'm Dreaming of a No Cook Christmas
When you’re more interested in snacking than cheffing

Emily Beyda, Dec. 19, 2018

Christmas Dining in Austin
Christmas Dining in Austin
Here are your last minute dining recommendations, slackers

Mark Fagan, Dec. 23, 2017

More by Richard Whittaker
HBO Comes to ATX (Television, That Is)
HBO Comes to ATX (Television, That Is)
Festival announces partnership and programming for the streamer

May 13, 2021

The Djinn
The dangers of a wish coming true in this childhood horror

May 14, 2021

KEYWORDS FOR THIS POST

Gifts, Larry Craig, action figure, Christmas, Republicans, gay, homophobia, closet, toy

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

New recipes and food news delivered Mondays

Eric Goodman's Austin FC column, other soccer news

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle