The Austin Chronicle

Aquaholics Anonymous

By Wells Dunbar, May 7, 2007, 10:15am, Newsdesk

The City Council Notebook's going to be a little sparse this week – seeing as how there's no council meeting Thursday. It's just as well, as the things up last week – the financial forecast presentation and Lee Leffingwell's water-conservation plan – were massive, omnibus measures both.

The most controversial comment regarding the recommendations – which cut peak-day usage by 1% each year – came from Save Our Springs Director Bill Bunch. That's our polite way of saying he dropped trow in council chambers and pissed all over them. His terse, metaphorical monologue got a awkward, icy reception, which made it all the more awesome. We've pulled the relevant portion from the council transcript. Remember, like the awesome picture above, it's all anthropomorphic and shit:

"Rather than go into the details here, I wanted to try to just tell you a story about a good friend of mine who I care very deeply about. But she drinks too much. She’s been drinking more and more, too. And it’s really getting to be a problem. She drinks too much all the time, but a couple of days out of the year, she really is a mess. Some of us do that at Halloween or at New Year’s Eve, but she tends to do it in the hot summer months when she’s really thirsty. And it is a sight to be seen …

"So I finally felt like, you know, I’ve got to talk to her. There’s a problem here. As wonderful as she is, as responsible as she is, fun-loving, she’s weird, not too weird. Weird in a business-friendly kind of way. And I said, 'You’ve got to do something about this,' and she said 'Okay, Bill.' And it’s not just me, other folks told her that. She said, 'Yep, I’ll get some real help from some friends of mine who are professionals. Don’t worry about it.' So she did that and came back, and I said, 'So what’s the plan? Are we moving toward dealing with this very serious drinking problem?' She said, 'We’ve got to together. I’m on my way to reducing.' And I said, 'So what’s the plan?' She said, 'Well, you know, I usually drink about a liter of tequila when I really go for it, and I drink too much, so I’m going to drink 1 percent less. Every time I really go for it, I’m going to drink 1 percent less, starting this year. Then next year, I’ll drink 1 percent less. And my friends all agreed this is a great plan, and I’m right on my way to health and fitness.' And I said, 'Let me see if I get this straight. So next time you’re out there tying one on, you’re going to drink 990 milliliters instead of a whole liter of tequila.' And she said, 'Yeah, that’s the plan.' And she said, 'I even got an award for this as best step toward sobriety. [Editor's note: a not-so-subtle dis of Leffingwell's recent Conservationist of the Year award.] As you might think and might gather, she’s got a ways to go before she faces responsible drinking."

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