The Austin Chronicle

The AggreGAYtor: January 23

By Brandon Watson, January 23, 2013, 1:18pm, The Gay Place

Lady Gaga loses her crown, Tony Perkins rewrites history, and Jade Jolie is run through the rumor mill. Today’s AggreGAYtor is a riot.

• Not everyone was pleased with the President Obama’s inaugural LGBT love fest. Peter Sprigg of prig consortium, The Family Research Council was dismayed by the suggestion that gays do not already have the same civil rights as straight folks.

• Dusty chamois cloth Tony Perkins echoed the sentiment, adding that Stonewall was just a bunch of homos “pushing back for special rights.”

• Never one to miss adding ullage to the zeitgeist’s shoddy cask, Brian Brown snivels assent.

• Meanwhile, Ron Fournier, the National Journal’s racialismism caliper, suggests Obama’s speech may “raise eyebrows” in his black base.

• The White House, however, does not appear to be all that concerned with whinnying punditry. They even had a super-special, just-for-us, inaugural briefing for LGBT activists where they probably served bags of Starburst with all the yellow ones removed.

• Anti-gay private schools are raking in cash from Georgia’s school choice tax credit. Presumably, they are using the windfall to buy new uniforms for their cheerleaders. No one really believes they’re “hot to go” when the squad is wearing gunny sacks.

• Across this great nation, legislators are legislating. In Montana, LGBT activists are lobbying for the removal of a state code that criminalizes gay sex.

• North Dakota's congress is considering adding sexual orientation protections to housing laws.

• And the referendum to allow marriage equality in Rhode Island has cleared committee.

Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist and Helen Roper cultist Katherine Kersten (not to be confused with HRC-Austin's charming Kathrin Kersten) wants to protect bullies from being targeted by people who think children generally should not act like rabid animals.

• While many folks were using their MLK Day vacation to help with service projects or contemplate the socioeconomic ramifications of Michelle Obama’s bangs, some merry pranksters thought it would be heeelarious to spray the office of Boston College’s Lambda Law Students Association with hatepourri.

• Russia’s parliament is still evading a vote on the gay propaganda law, possibly because no one is quite sure if Vladimir Putin’s Harlequin Romance-inspired beefcake shots count as “gay propaganda.”

• Nepal has officially added a third gender to citizenship certificates to recognize gender and sexual minorities.

• The AggreGAYtor does not have an elaborate plan to create a second identity (with a penchant for white linen suits and Pisco Sours) just so he can vote Chilean transgender congressional candidate Valentina Verbal into office. Hasn’t even thought of it.

The Council of Canadian Law Deans does not want to let anti-gay Trinity Western University into its clubhouse.

¡Escandalo! Gossips are alleging that RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant Jade Jolie is guilty of assisted tucking.

• Faced with an uncertain economic climate, Ikea Global allows a stack of medium-density fibreboard to make its marketing decisions. Although there was some hope that knots and rings would be eliminated from the process, the results were not entirely isotropic.

• While I certainly welcome any attempt to bring Motownphilly back again, I wonder if the tour name is an indication that Boys II Men have given up on their mission statement of being “not too hard, not too soft.”

• Poor souls looking for any explanation as to why Jodie Foster still has that timeshare with Mel Gibson now suspect it has something to do with DNA.

• In what surely cannot be a good omen; Lady Gaga, Beyoncé, Azealia Banks, and Rihanna have teamed up to invoke the spirit.

• Still, Manon has proven useful in exacting revenge – surely called-for given Justin Bieber’s recent hostile takeover of Twitter and horrifying shift to a more intimate approach to Instagram.

• The board at Dallas’ Parkland Health and Hospital System has voted to ban transgender discrimination.

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