Tuesday News Gay for Jan. 10

This week's LGBT news round-up includes a slice of GOP primary with a side of Santorum sauce. But there's also some deliciously gay wedding cake, a newly out cele-sbian and music from the Scissor Sisters for dessert. Finishing your vegetables has never been so appetizing.

ELEPHANT WALK: Because today is the New Hampshire Republican Presidential Primary, everybody's on the edge of their seats waiting to find out who will become king of the elephants. Let us spare you the suspense –it'll be Mitt Romney – Newt Gingrich's entire campaign is based on attacking Romney, Ron Paul is not-so-secretly insane, Rick Santorum is a synonym for jizzy McButtStuff and America isn't ready to vote for a C-grade Texas governor who loves Jesus and executing people—again.

TALKING ABOUT JIZZY Mc BUTT STUFF: Santorum has had all sorts of wacky news items about his this last week. While talking to New Hampshire voters, he compared marriage equality will lead to polygamy, promised to dissolve all same-sex marriages in the U.S. and said that kids of gay parents would be better off if one of their parents were in prison. So is it any wonder that he recently got glitter-bombed by gay activists?

Meanwhile a gay former aide of Santorum's appeared on MSNBC's Hardball to defend his ex-boss even though Santorum is psychotically anti-gay. He is also offering complimentary boot lickings to anyone who can help boost his career.

POPE FORECASTS DESTRUCTION OF NEW JERSEY: During his New Year's address to the diplomatic corps, Pope Papa Ratzi called marriage equality a threat to humanity. That means that Hungary—which just instated a constitutional ban on gay marriage—will be safe. But uh oh! Does that mean that the New Jersey Democrats should reconsider their plan to introduce a bill legalizing gay marriage at the start of this year's legislative session? How about Hawaii and Delaware's civil unions? Will they destroy humanity too or only kinda-sorta? God, can you hear us? It us, the gays.

LESBIAN LOSE SOME AND WIN SOME: The first openly lesbian contestants to compete for Miss California failed to make it to the finals. But the lady lovers increased their number thanks to the recent coming out of 1980s TV star Kristy McNichol. And two lesbians have melted the Internet's icy black heart with a viral video of a woman proposing to her military partner at the airport during the holidays.

JAMAICAN ME HAPPY: The first female Prime Minister of Jamaica—recently elected Portia Miller Simpson—is also pro-gay, which is good news for LGBTs living on the notoriously anti-gay island nation.

MUSIC, MAME AND RICKY MARTIN'S MAKE BELIEVE MARRIAGE: While younger gays can enjoy the new Scissor Sisters track, "Shady Love", older gay film goers may rejoice at the prospect of an Auntie Mame remake.

Oooh, and don't trust that rumor that Ricky Martin's gonna get gay married in New York this month—it's 100 percent lies.