How to Survive Austin Beer Week

Step one: Drink beer

photo By Hops and Grain/Facebook

There are five gazillion beer events around town for Austin Beer Week, but there is only one of you. And as much as we enjoy watching your impromptu karaoke performances of "Oops! … I Did It Again," we want you to take care of yourself enough to reach the finish line.

It's hard enough work juggling lagers and stouts and ales without all those ciders and meads, so we thought we'd round up our best tips before the start of the beerpocalypse. Dude, we've been there.

Carry a secret stash: Some Beer Week events offer food – and some are full-blown beer dinners – but you might find yourself at a tapping with neither crostini nor crudité. No one wants to hear your stomach grumble, so we recommend rolling your own. Carry salami wrapped mozzarella in a baggie or stuff a pocket full of sausage links. A baseball cap and a folded bandana makes a nice chip and dip set.

Consider a clone: Yeah, yeah, we know its unethical. But we are talking about beer here. Since you can't take a brewery tour at Adelbert's at the same time as wishing (512) Brewing a joyeux anniversaire, you are going to have to let your morals slide just a little bit. We like to dress ours up in smart bobbed wigs. It's best not to be too conspicuous.

Wear comfortable clothing: Who is the St. Pauli Girl trying to fool? There's no room for beer when you are wearing a corset. Instead, try an embroidered poncho or a dramatic boho Slanket. Or buy a too-large t-shirt to pair with a floral skort. It's all about personal style.

Carry a lighter: You probably shouldn't smoke, but we're not the surgeon general. We do know that the lighter opening the beer bottle trick makes you look 200 times more sexy. (You could use your teeth, but we prefer a little enamel). See a hottie? Bribe a bartender to leave his or her beer au naturale. Then strike like a clouded leopard.

Use your phone: Speaking of clouded … you'll be drinking beer. And let's face it, you kind of have bad judgement anyway. If you find yourself lusting over a particularly frothy mustache at Circle Brewing, snap a quick pic and send it to your designated driver. If you get the thumbs up emoji, you're probably safe.

Don't drive: This one is obvious. As tempting as it is to zip from Hops and Grain to Jester King, opt for safer options. Alternatives include camel caravans, party buses, and chartered zeppelins, but we find that teleportation has a certain elegance.

Hydrate: Any brewslinger will be glad to fill a pint glass with water, but what if the glasses all break? What if your CamelBak is torn to shreds by a wandering leopard? What if all the taps start pouring snakes and bugs like the climatic scene of The Craft? You'll probably want at least one backup reusable bottle. Ours is in sporty plaid.

Austin Beer Week runs from Friday, Oct. 24 - Sunday, Nov. 2. The full schedule is available here.

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KEYWORDS FOR THIS POST

Austin Beer Week, Adelbert's Brewery, (512) Brewing, Jester King Brewery, Hops and Grain, Circle Brewing Co.

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