Cutting Up Old Clothes No. 147: Shop Your Closet!

I must be crazy for admitting this here, but the reader should know that in years past, your local inquiring eye stooped to keeping a separate set of clothing for grandmother visits. Those who know her would not be surprised, so I suppose shamelessness is the new black. (Her own wedding dress was black velvet.)

Who knew that these items, kept separately in their own closet quarantine, would ever come in handy? An encounter with them the other day led to an awful pair of dark gray wool pants jumping out. The legs are shaped to suggest brain injury as they move down the street, I recall. Not anymore. Thou shall rid thyself of the offending limbs.

First, flip around your closet and use a pair of shorts that are the correct length. Lay out the nasty trousers, making sure the stride is even, and leaving the waistband uneven at the top (in other words, make the stride lines up, then let the waistband fall where it may. This will keep the leg openings even when you cut them.).

Line the shorts up on top of the mom pants, arranging the stride in the same manner. Using chalk, note where the hem should be, then give yourself an 5/8" seam allowance, and draw the line. For good measure, locate a point on the front of the offensive garment from which you can measure to the cut edge to make sure the sides are symmetrical. Do the same on each side of the never-in-danger-of-being-violated crotch. Yes, the crotch.

Cut off those pillars of virtue! Discard.

Iron in your hem, thread a needle and carry out an even whipstitch all the way to the bank.

Now I have a pair of dress shorts for Fall without grinding around in the car, too grouchy to try on another eighty-five items. We like free clothing.