Up Too Early

Google Streetview fashion critique from South Lamar.

Just looking at that yellow bag is about to give me a full-on epileptic fit.
Just looking at that yellow bag is about to give me a full-on epileptic fit.

This man’s look is nearly perfect. Nothing much to criticize here fashion-wise. He is, however, jaywalking on South Lamar, which statistically is about as risky as jumping Snake River Canyon in a rocket car.

Even worse, he’s carrying a monstrously ugly banana yellow polyester tote bag. You would think that might make him more visible to oncoming traffic. It does, but just looking at that thing is about to give me a full-on epileptic fit. Good thing I’m not behind the wheel of a monster truck.

He also seems to be carrying a cell phone. If it doesn’t get shattered along with his cranium, it will help officials identify his remains. Smart move Fonzie. The only thing worse than a bloody pile of meat in the middle of the road is a bloody pile of meat in the middle of the road with no next-of-kin. Total waste of a snow shovel.

This guy is even further imperiled by the fact that he’s got a blowout in his left Dansko. If he has to dodge a Dodge, that’s going to be a serious handicap. The middle of South Lamar is no place to go club footing along like Igor. Of course, he’s smart not to take his eyes off the oncoming traffic. It’s a fairly safe bet that about 30% of them are either texting or updating their Facebook status – at least the ones who aren’t asleep at the wheel (by the way, I just had to pay Ray Benson fifty cents to use that term).

Luvdoc Fashion Index: 9.95 (.05 off because technically that yellow bag is an accessory)

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for over 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

More by The Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: Just Exhausted
The Luv Doc: Just Exhausted
You might be the gardener

March 31, 2023

The Luv Doc: Yukking It Up
The Luv Doc: Yukking It Up
Australians are hilarious even when they’re not trying to be. That’s just facts.

March 17, 2023


Snake River Canyon, Rocket Car, Fonzie, Snow Shovel, Dansko, Ray Benson

One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

Eric Goodman's Austin FC column, other soccer news

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle