Up Too Early

Google Streetview fashion critique from North Loop

Try to pretend for a second that this isn’t a hipster. I know. I can’t either.
Try to pretend for a second that this isn’t a hipster. I know. I can’t either.

Try to pretend for a second that this isn’t a hipster. I know. I can’t either. But try to imagine the eureka moment in the thrift store when this dude discovered this jacket. No, I have not messed with the tone adjustment.

That is the color exactly as it was captured from the Google car. So, at some point this guy was in Savers and this jacket jumped out at him. Let’s be honest. This jacket doesn’t have any other move than jumping out at you. It damn sure doesn’t sneak up on you. Anyway, he grabs the jacket, thrusts it into the air and says, “From this day forward I will be Bright Orange Jacket Man!”

That’s what he is. It doesn’t matter if this guy discovered a cure for cancer, runs a three-minute mile, or is Charlie Sheen’s replacement on Two and a Half Men, when he puts on that jacket, he is no longer Ashton Kutcher, he is Bright Orange Jacket Man! If this dude was hunting deer, spearing trash on the side of the highway, or an escaped convict, this color would be totally appropriate. However, outside of those contexts, it only has one message: Look at me! Or rather, “Look at my upper torso!” After all, nobody is going to be looking at this guys face. There’s too much going on downstairs. This guy could be the kid from The Mask (no, not the horrible move that starred Jim Carey but the horrible movie that starred Cher) and nobody would notice because there’s too much going on downstairs.

Speaking of downstairs, how about those hipster shoes? Excuse me, I can’t say for certain whether or not this guy is a Greco-Roman wrestler, so maybe they’re not hipster shoes. Maybe they’re wrestling shoes. That’s possible. Even so, this guy is a long way from a wrestling mat, which makes these shoes suspect. Maybe he’s got a singlet, a mouthpiece and some ear guards in that messenger bag, but I doubt it. He’s probably got an extra pair of skinny jeans, a kiffiyeh, and some Decemberists CDs – you know, the ones they recorded back before they sold out.

Luvdoc Fashion Index: 5.0 (all I can see is white shoes and an orange jacket)

More by The Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: A Carp in a Sand Trap
The Luv Doc: A Carp in a Sand Trap
There's nothing much sadder than a stripper in a golf cart

Sept. 8, 2017

The Luv Doc: People in Glass Houses
The Luv Doc: People in Glass Houses
A truly balls-out commitment to mental health

Sept. 1, 2017


The Mask, CHer, Ashton Kutcher, Two and A Half Men, Hipster, Greco-Roman Wrestling

AC Daily, Events and Promotions, Luvdoc Answers

Breaking news, recommended events, and more

Official Chronicle events, promotions, and giveaways

Updates for SXSW 2017

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)