Up Too Early

Dear, sweet, merciful Jesus, when you come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, please don’t wear shorts like these. No one will take you seriously. Ditto on the camera belt holster. This is exactly the kind of look that gets tourists mugged in otherwise peaceful countries like Pakistan and Ireland.

Admit it, you want to steal this guy’s wallet and maybe give him a swirly too, don’t you? That doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. After all, the real criminal here is the monster who designed those shorts. Those things would look ridiculous on Ryan Gosling.

Here’s another 800 lb gorilla in the corner: Those aren’t even fucking shorts. Even on Jabba the Hut those are capris at best. Billy Barty could wear them as jodhpurs maybe.

Why do designers hate the male thigh? Is it too close to the church bells? It’s true the scroat isn’t much to look at, but only circus freak balls could reach the bottom of these babies. And really, at that point the sales clerk should just suggest underwear with really strong spandex – or maybe parachute pants. Yes, even parachute pants are sexier that these shorts. At least then this guy could strike a cool Captain Morgan pose.

Here’s the bottom line: If Channing Tatum hit the stage in a pair of these in Magic Mike, the theater would empty and women would ask for their money back. No amount of cool can overcome these pants - not Kung Fu (and he wore some fucked up shit), not Billy Jack, and certainly not John Wayne. John Wayne would have punched the sales clerk into a coma for suggesting them.

I would critique the rest of this outfit, but I can’t see past those shorts.

LuvDoc Fashion Index: 0.7 (because the keys dangling from his pocket cover part of the shorts)