Matt Sex = Coffeecake, Regularly.
In which Mr. Hislope gets culinary with coitus.
By Wayne Alan Brenner,
4:35PM, Mon. Feb. 20, 2012
It's brilliant and it's coming in April
and it's heralding itself now, friends,
with a wild fundraiser called 60inSIXTY,
in which 60 of Austin's finest performers,
musicians, visual artists, filmmakers, thinkers,
and community leaders perform 60 solo pieces
in 60 minutes, one after the other, boom-boom-boom.
And that's this Wednesday night.
And, yes, there's even more to this 60inSIXTY extravaganza.
But we're going to talk about only one more thing here.
Because Matt Hislope's getting laid regularly
and we love coffeecake.
No, seriously: Rubber Repertory's
paradigm-warping Matt Hislope and Josh Meyer
were commissioned by Fusebox's Ron Berry
to create a silent auction that wasn't just,
you know, the same-old same-old.
They were tasked with creating a silent auction of largely
experiential items, as Rubber Repertory's well known for.
And one of those items is this:
For the next year, every time Matt Hislope
has sexual relations with another human being,
he'll deliver a coffeecake to the bid winner.
What the fuck, right?
With, in this particular case, a special emphasis on fuck.
Might that mean hundreds of coffeecakes?
Might it mean, ever so sadly, just a coffeecake or two?
But you see the problem, biddingwise.
So we interviewed the handsome young actor last week,
to get a few salient details from the man most likely to know:
Austin Chronicle: So, this auction item …
Matt Hislope: It's called "Have a Good Morning If Matt Has A Good Night,"
and with this experience, for one year's time, any time that I have sexual relations
with another human being, the following morning I will drive to
the auction winner's doorstep and deliver a coffeecake.
Chronicle: When you say "with another human being," it'd most often be phrased that way
in the interests of not narrowing it down to a specific gender. But, look, I've gotta ask:
Did you also want to make it exclusive so's not to include non-human species?
I mean, uh, would that have been a possibility otherwise?
Hislope: Ah, you know, I don't want to paint too vanilla a portrait of myself …
But, no, we wanted to say "with another human being" to clarify that
this wouldn't be just any time I masturbate.
Chronicle: Ha! Or else, if normalcy is any indication,
there'd be coffeecakes falling from the sky …
Chronicle: So, full disclosure, I intend to bid the hell out of this item myself.
And so I'm hoping, with this interview, to see what sort of investment I might be making here.
In the past three years, what's been the frequency of your sexual relations?
What's the average? Is there a, what's it called, a mean, median, and mode?
Hislope: Well, there's an ebb and flow.
I'd say a safe average would be once or twice a week.
Chronicle: So we're looking at at least 25 coffeecakes.
Hislope: At the very least 25, yes. We should be clear, also,
that we're looking at a serving of coffeecake, not necessarily an entire coffeecake.
Chronicle: A serving. Just a – okay, let's get back to that later.
First, are you in a committed relationship with somebody right now?
Hislope: Yes, I am in a relationship. And I'll say that, initially, I thought that
she'd find this very amusing. Let's just say that I was horribly mistaken,
and we had a really tense week. But things are okay now, yeah.
Chronicle: So every time you have sex with this person,
or if you should break up – god forbid –
Hislope: Or if I cheat …
Chronicle: Or if you cheat. So it's by no means an open relationship?
Hislope: No. And it's not that I'm planning on cheating.
It's just to make it definite, for the purposes of the auction,
that if anything sexual happens in or out of my relationship,
I must flee the next morning to make my delivery before getting to work on time.
Chronicle: And since you are in an exclusive relationship, it speaks well
of the rewards that one might gain from winning such an auction item.
Hislope: Yeah, it's more of a safer bet. Had we been offering this, y'know,
three-and-a-half or four years ago, the auction winner very well may have been duped.
Chronicle: And you said it's not even a whole coffeecake each time … ?
Hislope: Most of the time, the winner can look forward to a delicious serving of coffeecake.
One of the things that's still in the works is figuring out a potential code system
which would offer a variety in the kinds of cake offered.
Chronicle: A variety. According to … ?
Hislope: To which specific acts were performed.
Or if something was especially great, y'know?
So, in the event of something extraordinary the night before,
an entire coffeecake could surface the next morning.
Chronicle: Ahhhh, I see. Okay. Okay, then. [makes note]
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