The Austin Chronic: Christmas in Texas

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It's Christmas in Texas

I flew in from Eugene

TSA got my dab pen

So I'm all out of green

Just my luck in a state with backwardass laws

Where weed's still illegal – damn, I need Santa Claus

To bring me a half ounce of Sweet Island Skunk

Or a THC fruitcake, 30 mg per hunk

I can't spend the holidaze not getting blazed

Shit, even Ohio has rec nowadays

A whole week with my in-laws at an Airbnb?

I can't watch The Muppet Christmas Carol without a bong rip or three

It's hard enough to be festive when the ground has no snow

I should have chosen to visit my aunt in Durango

I'm growing so desperate I start coming in hot

And ask our Uber driver: "Hey, you know where to get pot?"

"You're in Austin," she said, laughing like I had jokes

"It's the stoniest city where everyone smokes

We got delivery services that come right to your house

And you can find straight chronic for $180 an ounce

Friends sell vegan weed gummies and live resin pens

And shatter and waxes that get you high as Blitzen

It ain't Colorado, but it's not too far away

And if you get real desperate, stores sell THC-A"

But I thought your gov was a grinch and Dan Patrick as well?

"Those old-fashioned fools think stoners are burning in hell

But they signed a hemp bill in 2019

That confused the judges and ignited a scene

Then Austin's City Council told cops to chill out

And the D.A. stopped prosecuting personal amounts"

Wow, for being in Texas, Austin's the best

"Yeah, just watch your ass if you see DPS

"And if you like blunts, I need to be very clear

Ain't no Phillies or Dutch Masters – we smoke Swishers here.

And if you need pipes and papers, we've got bong shops for days"

"I can tell," I said. "We've passed about 10 Planet Ks"

"Merry Christmas," she smiled, as she weaved through the cars

"Here's the number for my plug – now give me five stars."

Up at the rental, there was a wreath on the door

And babies and uncles and a cousin or four

As the grownups drank eggnog and the kids watched cartoons

Grandma tapped me and said, "Go check out your room"

A joint the size of a yule log sat on my pillow

"Don't be so surprised," she said, "I used to hang out at the Armadillo

And I learned how to roll on Willie's tour bus

So spark that and let's dream of a green Texas Christmas"