The Luv Doc: Bloody Burger

Pitch black goes with just about everything


Dear Luv Doc,

Since graduating A&M several years ago I have regularly hosted ex-classmates and friends to watch games at my house. I have a pretty good setup where I have a TV outside so I can watch the game while I am grilling. I always make my specialty (Bevo Burgers) and my friends bring side dishes or beer. Saturday we played Tennessee and one of my work friends who grew up in Knoxville came over with his girlfriend. She was nice enough, but we got into a little bit of an argument when she asked me to recook (burn) her burger because she didn't want to see any "blood" inside. I asked her to try it first, because I use really good Texas sideline grass-fed ground sirloin, but she wasn't having any of it. We went back and forth about it for a while and then I gave in and made her char burger, but I think she was still butt hurt about it. They ended up leaving early even though Tennessee won the game. Now I haven't seen my work friend for a few days and I think he might be purposely avoiding me. My wife says I should call him and apologize, but I think it was obvious that I was just teasing her. What do you think? Should I apologize or just see if it blows over?  – Maroon and White Mike

Look, Mike, I know you're probably thinking I will take the bait on your clever little sideways UT sleights, but as a liberal arts graduate of The One True University, I am an impressively erudite man of letters who has been rigorously trained to show restraint and compassion for less fortunate graduates of other universities. After all, what does all this indulgence in crass tribalism get us anyway other than clogged arteries, compromised livers, and an utterly appalling sense of fashion? Keep in mind here, I am not just talking about Aggie maroon. Baylor green is pretty reprehensible – as is TCU purple, which should probably only be used on Tinky Winky's Teletubbies costume or maybe Willy Wonka's velvet jacket. And just to be fair – because disciplina praesidium civitatis – UT burnt orange? Like your Bevo blood burgers, it could stand to be charred several shades darker. Pitch black goes with just about everything and pairs especially well with the existential darkness of those who have fully consumed the fruit of knowledge.

Now look, Mike, since you're an Aggie I am not going to waste hours of our time trying to explain the meaning of the word "ennui"; just know that it's a French word that describes the listless pall that overtakes me anytime some dramatically macho dude tries to impress me with how bloody he likes his steak. We fucking get it. If you had your druthers you would have personally murdered that steer with a battle axe and then carved out its still beating heart to rip apart with your own bared incisors. Us beta cucks can only pretend to understand how emasculating it must be to let that beautiful, bloody flesh even lightly kiss a hot grill, and yet ... somehow ... you find the inner strength to sear a few tan lines in it so the rest of us don't feel threatened by the monstrous predator at the core of your being. We probably would have never guessed it, but the skinny jeans, flannel shirt, horn-rimmed glasses, and beard that even Grizzly Adams would have found needlessly excessive are just a thin disguise.

Again, we fucking get it. You like the taste of meat – unadulterated by needless, obfuscating spices, rubs, or marinades. You want to enjoy the subtle undertones of adrenaline and cortisol. You want to taste the terror of that bovine's last minutes. You don't need some deglazed fond sauce whipped up by some snooty Frenchman in a poofy white hat. You want the real deal. Anything less is an embarrassment. Right? So why wasn't your work friend's date properly mortified when asking to have her burger cooked a little longer? I guess we'll never know. It will have to be a mystery – like UFOs, Bigfoot, the location of the clitoris, or why Jesus lets the Aggies lose sometimes.

Nonetheless, just to hedge your bets, I am going to recommend that you apologize for your boorish behavior, even if you think you shouldn't have to. I'm betting your self-esteem can take that hit. As the Ags proved against Tennessee, sometimes you lose even when you think you're winning. A true man is a good sport even when things don't go his way.

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