The Luv Doc: Go to Lockhart

Dear Luv Doc,

I live in what used to be a lower-middle-class/working-class neighborhood in South Austin. I bought my house in the early Nineties from an elderly couple who moved to another city to be closer to their children. Most of my long-term neighbors have similar stories. We bought into this neighborhood because it was affordable. People have made improvements to their property over the years, but the improvements were things like carports or extra bedrooms at the most, and usually they were in keeping with the style of the neighborhood. Now almost every house that gets sold gets demolished and a huge McMansion goes up in its place. Every year our taxes go up and people cash out and move away and the cycle continues. I know there are worse problems to have, but I always thought I would retire here. Now I'm not so sure. Even if I manage to make enough money to stay, do I want to live next to all these millionaires who don't make any effort to assimilate into the neighborhood? Since you're the all-knowing Luv Doc, tell me: Where do I go, what do I do?

– A Gentrified Gentrifier

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Go to Lockhart. Go to Lockhart and eat some barbecue with your bare hands off a sheet of butcher paper – because silverware is for whiny vegan beta cucks. If you can't gnaw it off the bone or cut it with a flimsy, Chinese-made plastic spoon, you probably shouldn't be putting it in your mouth anyway, right? OK, once your upper GI is uncomfortably gorged with smoke-cured cow parts, take a leisurely amble around the quaint courthouse square. Smile and nod at the friendly, relaxed passersby whose overabundance of tattoos invoke a mild unease ... like maybe you got dropped into an episode of Westworld ... or The Truman Show? Shouldn't their tattoos feature murdered-out American flags and bloody Jesus instead of Bill Murray and pineapples? What's going on here? Oh yeah, that's right: gentrification. Wait a minute ... *record scratch* ... in Lockhart it's called revitalization! Cue the marching band!

Gentrification in Lockhart just hits different, yo. For one thing, Lockhart has never even had a cat cafe. Is that due to a lack of imagination? I mean, probably. They do have a delicious pizza joint, a top-notch coffee shop, a couple of great bars, several semi-fancy restaurants, and of course the aforementioned world-class barbecue – all within a short walking distance of some tempting $300,000 fixer-uppers! Sounds like your choice is made! And, like I said, Lockhart is just begging for a cat cafe. Done and doner!

I would probably have already opened a cat cafe in Lockhart myself, but I'm allergic to cats – just on principle – and I kind of want to stick around Austin just to see how this boomtown shitshow turns out. Yes, the taxes are outrageous, but I figure I've easily saved that much in desperately needed live music cover charges over the last 20 years. Plus, I hear they're blowing up the Erwin Center in October, so I don't want to miss that. It's not that I hate the Erwin Center, it's just that the absence of its aggressive architectural blandness isn't going to leave much of a hole in our cityscape no matter how many explosives they pack it with. When your main pitch for an architectural design is, "It won't show dirt," that's never a good sign. Austin used to be better than that.

Anyway, congratulations on your successful gentrification! You got in on the ground floor – just like those revitalizers out in Lockhart. Well done! Fair play! Give yourself a pat on the back. Thirty years is a pretty good run! I think the serenity prayer is in order here: Accept the things you cannot change. Have the courage to change the things you can. Opening a cat cafe in Lockhart takes a lot of courage, but I believe in you, and Lockhart is due for some real gentrification if you ask me.