The Luv Doc: Grumpy Boyfriend

Why are the Island Boys shampooing my dolphin?

Dear Luv Doc,

Me and my boyfriend's birthday was yesterday so on my way to work I bought him some breakfast tacos, a cupcake, and a birthday present (a golf club). When I knocked on his apartment door, he didn't answer (it was around 7:30) so I started to go back to my car, but I really wanted to surprise him so I went back and knocked again, only harder. This time after a minute or so he came to the door in just his underwear and a T-shirt. He was really grumpy and not very appreciative – I think he said something like, "Wow. It's really early. Don't you have to be at work?" which I think he said to make me feel bad because he is in the service industry and works late, but I have to be in the office at 8. I said I wanted to be the first person to wish him happy birthday, and he said, "You are." It really hurt my feelings, so I told him I would let him get back to sleep and left, but his grumpiness made me feel bad all day. He never called to thank me or apologize for his behavior. He didn't even apologize later that night when I took him out to dinner. He did at least say he liked his golf club, but mainly he kept teasing me about how I woke him up and ruined his birthday sleep. Am I in the wrong here or is he? I feel like I am owed an apology.

– Girl With a Grumpy Boyfriend

You're a morning person, aren't you? I bet you were probably first in line at Tacodeli too ... face pressed up against the glass at 7:01am, indignantly pointing at your Apple Watch. Well guess what? Tacodeli doesn't even open until 8am. I know that because I just googled it. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I have never even been in a Tacodeli prior to 11am – partly out of respect for the Geneva Conventions, but mostly because, mashed potatoes? Come on man. That's just lazy. The El Picosito, however, is a taco that is well worth sleeping through the entire Tacodeli breakfast menu. If your intense craving for an El Picosito drenched in Doña can't get you out of bed before 3pm, you might need to consult a therapist about your depression.

So, real talk: If you purchased them before 7:30am, those breakfast tacos had to be some off-brand shit. ¿Probablemente Taco Cabana? Be honest now. I hope you didn't spoil your boyfriend's birthday beauty rest with a pizza box full of bean and cheese. I mean, don't get me wrong, Taco Cabana is an absolute goddamn lifesaver for anyone trying to sober up at 2am or on those end-of-the-month-paycheck Fridays when you have to buy your breakfast with ashtray change, but as a celebratory meal, I'd say for most golfers it falls well short of the mark, even when it's served with a side of gift-wrapped pitching wedge.

I get it though. You wanted to be first. You wanted to be special. You wanted to greet your boyfriend at the door like a Teletubby sunrise and totally make his fucking day. Only thing is, you might as well have showed up at midnight when he was actually awake, because even though you might have fired out of bed at 5am, ran a half marathon, tracked down the confused Q-Tips in the maroon Mercury Marquis you read about in your 6am Texas Department of Public Safety Silver Alert, and hit Taco Cabana plus the H-E-B bakery by 7:15 so you could bubble up to your boyfriend's doorstep at 7:30, the best result you could have possibly hoped for would be a mildly entertaining episode of Punk'd.

Look, I am not saying your boyfriend didn't behave like a D. He kinda did, but he was probably still in that morning sleep fog where you have those crazy, weird dreams that seem super real – like, "Why are the Island Boys shampooing my dolphin, because those guys are totally the Island Boys?" In that state, even the most deplorable of human beings deserves the benefit of the doubt. And yet, apologies are in order. Start with an apology for waking him up on his birthday. Maybe he will reciprocate with an apology of his own. If not, well, at least we learned something, didn't we?

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