The Luv Doc’s Top 10 Things You Need to Find Love in Austin
I don’t like it. It just is. Recognize.
Like it or not, it's time once again for us trendsetters in the print industry to hark back to the ancient art of listmaking, a tried-and-true slam dunk for increased readership and social media engagement since easily the early Nineties. Whattaya gonna do? People love lists. You might even be on a list yourself, but if not, you might see yourself in mine.
10) A Car I'm just going to say it: Austin ain't Amsterdam, and while we've been drilling core samples and pissing up everyone's leg about Elon Musk's cheaper-than-water Boring Co. subway system, the reality is that if you don't own a car in this town, 10 months out of the year you are going to show up sweaty. I don't like it. It just is. Recognize.
9) Money It may be the root of all evil, but if you live in Austin you probably have a decent amount even if you pretend like you don't. If you're moving here you're going to need a pile of it. If you're light on it, may I suggest Amarillo?
8) A House/Condo/Apartment It can literally be in Lockhart, but nothing kills a vibe worse than "How about we go back to your place?" Especially on the 10th date. Unless, of course, you're a musician.
7) A Love of Tacos If the word "tacos" doesn't appear in the first paragraph of your Tinder profile, you might as well take a vow of celibacy because you clearly don't fucking get it.
6) A Love of Live Music Like improv, live music can be dicey and awkward. That said, Austin is the live music capital of the world and home of South by Southwest, so if you're unable to fake enthusiasm for your neighbor's 1am punk rock show at the Lost Well better than you can fake an orgasm, you might want to get on farmersonly.com.
5) A Chill Vibe I am not exactly sure what this means myself, but somewhere back in the day Austin got described as being "laid-back." I know you probably just spit-laughed into your coffee, but people still use this term today – like when they're banging rails on a 52nd-floor balcony at the Austonian listening to their "Luckenbach Texas" Spotify playlist.
4) Boots You know what I am talking about and they don't have fucking laces. Pair them with anything from a string bikini to a clergy robe. You might also want to find a good podiatrist.
3) A Bicycle I know I just subtextually shit all over them in No. 10, but anyone without a bicycle in Austin is sus. The only suitable replacements are skateboards and boutique vintage Harleys. Spandex is super, super optional.
2) A Dog You may look insanely hot on the hike-and-bike trail in those painted on Lululemon leggings, but no one is going to muster the courage to talk to you unless you're tethered to an adorable, dopey-looking Labradoodle rescue. Throw them dogs a bone ... that is also a dog.
1) A Cool T-Shirt If you don't have a dog, one of these will suffice. Preferably vintage, ideally some old-school Austin band like the Big Boys, but it needs to look like you stole it from your dad's/mom's dresser in 1997, even if it's Hanson. Especially if it's Hanson.