The Luv Doc: A Couple of Days

Dear Luv Doc,

It's nearly Thanksgiving again and me and my boyfriend are fighting again about whether we will stay at his parents' house or get a hotel. For the last five years we have driven up to Lubbock to spend Thanksgiving with his parents because his mom is an absolute nut about Thanksgiving. I won't even go into it other than to say that she spends months planning it and drives everyone crazy in the process, including me. We always drive like hell – even through dangerous conditions some years – so we can get there on Wednesday, supposedly to help, but mainly to witness her craziness and anxiety, which she shows by snapping at everyone and basically being a b**ch. But we're all supposed to forgive her because she works so hard to make everything nice for everyone. Honestly, I couldn't care less, which is why I always suggest that we stay at a hotel so we can relax after a long day of driving. My boyfriend says his mother would be deeply insulted if we stayed at a hotel when they have so much room – and they do. They have a big, beautiful house, but during Thanksgiving it's crazytown. So, we're fighting again because "it's only a few days" and it's "not too much to ask." Oh, and the last thing – we have to stay in separate bedrooms when we're there because, what? We might have sex? I am a 28-year-old woman and my boyfriend is nearly 30. I find this forced separate sleeping arrangement insulting. We are not children. We have been living together for 4 years and his mother knows it. I think this is just her way of showing me who's the boss. My boyfriend doesn't agree, plus, "it's only a few days." I am seriously done with Thanksgiving, how do I gracefully decline?

– Alone in the Bedroom Down the Hall

P sure I've never been to your boyfriend's mom's house for Thanksgiving, but I have been to Lubbock, and I think your idea of getting a hotel room is magnificent! To that end, I have taken the liberty of shopping around a bit on booking.com (not a paid endorsement) and, as best as I can tell, you really can't go wrong with the Casa del Jaguar Beach Hotel (also not a paid endorsement) on Playa Norte in Isla Mujeres, Mexico.

Now, I will grant that Isla Mujeres is not a particularly convenient location if you're looking for Lubbock-area hotels, and "Casa del Jaguar" has an ominously predatory vibe for a hotel name, but perhaps something is getting lost in the translation and – my sweet Jesus – the amenities are sick. It has a private beach, a spa, an infinity pool, and as near as I can tell, like eight different types of massage: head, hand, foot, back, neck, couples, full body, and then something that's just simply called "massage." I don't know what that entails, but I bet it's the tits – and I am speaking metaphorically even though at a place called the Casa del Jaguar a tit massage is probably not off the table.

At this point I imagine you're probably thinking: "TIT MASSAGE? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE ON ABOUT?" All right, fair play. I am just saying that if you're going to bother to insult your boyfriend's mother, you might as well do it at a five-star resort hotel with a private beach, eight (possibly nine) types of relaxing massage, and really spotty cell service that gets its name from a Mexican cougar. OK, in fairness to the great state of Quintana Roo and the surely fine folks at the Casa del Jaguar Beach Hotel, I made that cell service bit up, but if my boyfriend's mom were to try to call me to ask why I wasn't at her house for Thanksgiving, that is what I would tell her right before I hung up the phone. Certainly it would be better than, "I'm right in the middle of a tit massage."

Barring that, I'm sure there's probably a decent La Quinta in Lubbock that will piss off your boyfriend's mother just as well, but other than that small pleasure, what's in it for you? Not much. Basically the situation here is your boyfriend needs to nut up and tell his mom you are staying in a hotel this year. Like you said, he is a grownass man who can hopefully afford a double at a La Quinta. I'd say that after five years you have paid your dues and deserve a little consideration. It's time for your boyfriend to be uncomfortable during Thanksgiving. After all, it's only a couple of days, right?