The Luv Doc: A One-Way Ticket to Johnson City

Dear Luv Doc,

I've been living here for quite a while now and I just never see any cute guys in my age range. Where are the best places to find cute, single yuppie guys in their 30s? Thanks for your help!

– Sincerely, Nina

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Well now, that's an interesting take on a city that boasts 120 single men for every 100 single women. Then again, maybe all the single men in Austin are ugly. It's really hard to tell when their faces are all buried in Moses-length beards. Now mind you, it's a rare day when I am out bird-dogging cute yuppie men in their 30s. Also, are yuppies still a thing? Or is that some sort of trendy, Eighties-era throwback term that came back into vogue? You know, like fanny packs, white tennis shoes, and Kentucky waterfalls? If so, maybe we should sweep that one back under the rug, because all the young urban professional males are either trying to dress like lumberjacks or Clint Eastwood in A Fistful of Dollars. That is, of course, when they're not kitted-out in nut-hugging spandex for a bike ride brewery tour.

Hey! I just had an idea! You should probably drop a few grand on a road bike and a tight spandex cycling suit and start cruising around to the three or four thousand craft brew pubs in Austin. A friend of mine recently Instagrammed a picture of herself on a road bike closely trailed by several hundred Hasidic-looking fellows. There may have been another woman in that multitude, but if there was, her beard was legit. As I recall they were all headed somewhere to get barbecue. I know it looks a bit like a porn title when you actually type it out, but dudes like meat. That's why nearly every 30-year-old man in Austin wants to be Aaron Franklin.

They also want to open their own craft brewery. Have you ever been to Austin Beerworks on a Saturday night? They might as well rename that place Johnson City. Plus, the beer is fantastic. Be forewarned, however, that you're probably going to have to take some deep conversational dives into topics like van renovation, drone photography, cannabis strains, woodworking, and yes, barbecue. Oh, and before you even sidle up to some brew-swilling, moose-knuckled, modern-day, mid-30s Moses, you are going to want to be graduate-level erudite on the topics of road biking, craft brewing, and pro soccer. Yes, Austin actually has a pro soccer team. Who knew? Their logo is a tree and no, it doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever. I guess Groot is our mascot.

If you're not into beer, bikes, and Battlestar Galactica, you may want to focus your attention on West Sixth. On the plus side, the expensive craft cocktails won't make you fart in your sleep, but the minus is that the male-to-female ratio swings much harder toward the X. I'm talking about chromosomes, of course, and not molly – although you have to figure that there is a strong statistical probability that a certain number of women on West Sixth are actually 1) named Molly; 2) attending their college friend's destination bachelorette party; 3) obnoxiously claiming they're "hungry for some D" – so if you're man-hunting in that jungle, just be ready to throw hands.

Lastly, there's Rainey. Rainey is basically for all the kids who were too fidgety to watch Reading Rainbow. They're grownup now and have social media marketing jobs. They also have fly haircuts, trendy clothes, and they will take a jump photo literally anywhere – even in front of Unbarlievable, because they don't know. Yes, I am talking about the guys. Some of them are probably cute, but if you can't see their spandex moose knuckle, how can you really know?

From where I'm sitting, all of this sounds like a lot of trouble. You're probably better off just living your life, enjoying the activities you enjoy, and being the best Nina you can be. And also maybe update your Tinder profile so everyone can see your expensive new road bike. That dude magnet is a one-way ticket to Johnson City.