The Luv Doc: Bad Haircut

Dear Luv Doc,

My girlfriend got a haircut that I can't stand. It is way too short. She told me she was going to get it cut short, but this haircut looks like something a 10-year-old boy would get at Supercuts. The problem is that she loves it. Ever since she got it she has been telling everyone how much she loves it because it's great for the summer and she doesn't have hair stuck to her face or her neck when she gets sweaty, but it just looks terrible. I am scared to tell her because for some reason she is insecure about her looks, but I also love her and want her to look her best. What do I do?

– Hair Hater

Nothing! You do nothing. Your girlfriend loves her hair and, by her own admission, "it's great for the summer," so it sounds to me like she considers it to be a seasonal haircut. Who knows? In the fall she might take it down to a full G.I. Jane. If you're not familiar with G.I. Jane it was a Nineties movie starring Rumer Willis' mom – or if you're really old, you might recognize her as Ashton Kutcher's first wife, but that was a long time ago, before Ashton became destitute from investing in crypto. Anyway, G.I. Jane is a movie about a woman named Jane who has gastrointestinal issues. Wait, no, hold on … let me read the Wikipedia … correction … G.I. Jane was the punchline of an off-the-cuff, thoroughly mediocre joke that got Chris Rock slapped by Jaden Smith's dad at the Oscars. I think the takeaway is that Chris Rock should write better jokes on his cuff. Wait, no … scratch that … the takeaway is that men are really sensitive about women's hair.

That's kind of ironic when you consider the fact that by the age of 35, approximately 40% of men will begin to experience alopecia (which is what journalists call hair loss when they're referring to Jaden Smith's mom). By the age of 60, nearly 65% of men will have alopecia, and by the age of 80, that number goes up to who-gives-a-fuck because at 80, a man's sexiest attribute is his personality. Not so for women. Why? Because men are really sensitive about women's hair. Seeing a pattern here? Yes, it's a male pattern, and yes, I like to beat a dead horse … ideally until all its hair falls out and it looks like some sort of long-nosed inland manatee. Even at 80, women are still paying money to get their hairs did. Men, on the other hand, just throw on a fishing cap and a Hawaiian shirt. Why a Hawaiian shirt? Because it hides the stains from dropped food and the colorful flora draws the eye away from what at best could be described as a highly compromised epidermis.

So, while I can empathize somewhat with your sincere concern for your girlfriend's looks, I think it's important that you recognize first and foremost that your concern isn't purely altruistic. There is very likely some male ego mixed in as well. I get it. I know you want to be Will-Smith-Chris-slapping proud of your woman's do, but it ain't about you. It's about her, and from where I'm sitting she seems pretty chuffed about her new look. Maybe you should sit with your feelings for a bit – say until November – and then reassess the long-term effect of her new style. After all, haircuts come and go, but love lasts … well, sometimes nearly as long as the pain and embarrassment of having your haircut criticized. So, in my opinion, this is probably one of those thoughts you should keep in your head until there's no hair on it.