The Luv Doc: A Situationship

Sup Luv Doc,

I moved to Austin in January and a month later met a girl by the name of Ruth on the Facebook Dating app. At first we were just friends but our relationship gradually developed into feelings. She lived with her brother at the time who was moving to San Antonio, but she wanted to stay in the Austin area. At the time, I didn't have emotional feelings for her but I offered up for her to stay at my apartment so we could both contribute to the rising rent prices in my Downtown Austin apt.

We are now living together but haven't made anything official relationshipwise. I know relationships aren't easy, they take a lot of work, and I am scared of the 100% commitment. I do love her but have now created this lesbian love "situation-ship". We did the typical lesbian rush to the U-Haul trucks but don't have a title. We do everything as a couple but when I go out to the clubs I get a little wild and do my own thing such as being flirty and picking people up even though we are together. Should I take my time with making this official or say fuck it, we have already come this far?! Don't condemn me for my questionable rushed decision-making skills. I appreciate your thoughts.

– Sincerely, Lolo Bangz Situationship Master

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So you have known Ruth since February? I am pretty sure I have pants in the bottom of my hamper that I haven't washed since January. I'm not proud of that, but like everyone else I am struggling to return to a normal laundry cycle since the pandemic. In fact, these days if someone looks at my shirt and asks, "Is that mustard?" I reflexively respond, "Yes," even though it's really rare when I employ mustard as a condiment. I'm not trying to be stuck up. I'm not too high and mighty for mustard, I just find the thought of mustard on a taco repugnant. What am I? Fucking Sling Blade? And, at the risk of permanently alienating a bunch of Easy Tiger fans, I have to say I am not a big fan of the pretzel – and I say that as someone who has been epically hungover on numerous occasions. Never once on any of those occasions have I thought to myself, "You know what would really hit the spot right now? A pound of salted dough packed in my colon." I'd rather just dry-heave the remainder of last night's piña coladas into a storm drain. OK, so that leaves hot dogs, hamburgers, and cheesesteaks, and I usually eat those shirtless because, you know, fucking AMERICA!

Anyway, I find it hard to believe that in the time it has taken me to not launder my New Year's pants, Ruth has already unpacked her entire U-Haul into your tiny Downtown apartment. My head spins at the very thought. Now, it may seem like I am condemning you for your rushed decision-making skills, but what I am really condemning you for is feeling like you have to make a decision. Yes, by all means, take your time. Look: I get it. You don't want to leave Ruth hanging if she's already pledging her undying love and whatnot, but in a few hundred words you have already convinced me that you aren't quite ready to settle into a long-term, committed relationship. And who could blame you? You just moved here in January! You don't even know what it's like in July! Here's a hint: too hot to eat a hamburger with your shirt on, that's for goddamn sure. You probably haven't even argued at IKEA, got sick on Beaver Nuggets from Buc-ee's, or gotten sunburned at Schlitterbahn. You're still getting flirty and picking up people in clubs! And trust me, there are a lot of clubs! Also a lot of lesbians! I mean, this isn't Northampton, but Austin is getting a second Subaru dealership in 2023.

So I have to ask you: Why the big hurry? Does Ruth have wandering eyes? Do you feel like you need to nail that shit down with some sort of official proclamation or you will lose her forever? Or, do you feel guilty that maybe you haven't been honest with her and that you are going to eventually hurt her? If the latter is true, and really, even if it isn't, you need to tell Ruth how you feel – sooner rather than later. Otherwise, you're just stringing her along until you have some eureka moment when you decide she's the one. It's absolutely OK if you haven't felt that yet, but it's not OK to let Ruth continue to believe that you're a couple when that's not entirely the case. Lastly, saying "fuck it" is probably not the best way to enter into a long-term relationship. Love should be an affirmation, not a concession. You've already come this far, why not inject some honesty in your relationship and see where that takes you? You do that and I will wash my pants. Deal?