The Luv Doc: Not Your Gig
Boundaries, motherf*ckers. Boundaries.
Dear Luv Doc,
Yesterday I got DM'd on Facebook by a friend I used to work with back in 2016 asking me to help him wipe the hard drive on his laptop and reinstall Windows 10. When I say "friend," I mean work friend, and TBH this guy was a bit of a tool so we didn't really hang out much. Our IRL friendship was more like a what's-up nod in the hallway or talking about a game or a concert or some topical news story in the break room, but that was it. I think the only time we ever hung out outside of work was for a work-related event. I don't even work in IT anymore, but how would he know that because we don't keep in touch? The fact that he just DM'd me out of the blue and asked me to do him a big favor after six years of only occasionally interacting on Facebook really annoyed me. After stewing on it for a few hours I told him I don't work with computers anymore and don't remember how to do it, but that was a lie. I just didn't want to spend my free time doing this guy a favor. Now I am annoyed I had to lie. Am I wrong to not want to help this guy? I'm also feeling a little guilty because I'm sure he needs the help but he should have thought of that before he bought that laptop. Right?
– Not That Good of a Friend
Nah man, fuck this guy. I don't mean literally, of course, and if for some reason you decide to take me literally please wear a condom, because, like you said, you haven't seen this guy in six years. Who knows what he's been up to? He might have been barebacking his way through every Snapchat-dog-filter Grindr profile in the Austin area. Or maybe he's a straight-up serial killer who has gotten bored with murdering drifters and is graduating to distant acquaintances. Why else would he need to wipe his hard drive? Because he got a "virus"? Or maybe because those dudes from Mindhunter are closing in and he doesn't want them to find his stash of dismemberment photos?
Even if he's not an actual psychopath – which seems unlikely – he still sounds like a thoroughly narcissistic user. My guess is that if he ran into you at the supermarket he wouldn't even remember your name. In his head you're probably filed under "that weird guy who used to help me with computer shit sometimes." Sorry. The "weird" was a bit gratuitous but you did say you used to work in IT. Nonetheless, it is very clear he is overstepping the boundaries of your acquaintanceship to satisfy his personal needs which, by the way, have absolutely nothing to do with you. Did he even preface his request with, "How have you been?" or, "Long time no see," or something equally awkward? Probably not, because that would mean he has a shred of self-awareness instead of being blinded by his raging supernova of personal need.
You did the right thing, which is: Just. Fucking. Run. I don't know how people like this guy get smelted, but their parents, their co-dependent "friends," and maybe even their school guidance counselors should be fined heavily for unleashing their unpleasantness on society. Boundaries, motherfuckers. Boundaries. There is just certain shit you don't do. You don't ask the UPS driver you only see once a week to help you move. You don't ask the neighbor who occasionally waves at you while walking her dog if she can take you to the airport. Why? BECAUSE FUCKING UBER, THAT'S WHY. Also because the minute you do, that nice dog-walking lady is going to find another place to walk her dog, even if it's a drainage ditch that smells like sewage, because you are obviously mentally unstable. If that's not clearly apparent to you – if you're asking yourself, "What's the big deal? She has a perfectly good car," seek professional help. I know you might be asking yourself, "Why do I need to seek professional help?" That's why – because you asked that fucking question. Your mind is broken, and it's unconsciously trying to break everyone else's along with it.
Look, I know what Jesus would do. He would reinstall your ex-co-worker's OS. No, not the one in his laptop, the one in his mind. That motherfucker's BIOS is corrupted and Jesus is the OEM. Yes, of course I am kidding. It could totally be Allah or Jah or Vishnu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The point is, your ex-co-worker might need help, but it's not the kind of help he's looking for. Stand down. This is not your gig.