The Luv Doc: A Low Tolerance for Inaccuracy
Further proof that Latin is a trash language
Dear Luv Doc,
I have been laying low datingwise for, oh, about two years and finally decided to get back in the game. Got on Tinder and started swiping around and found an interesting-looking guy in his mid-30s who said he was into swing dancing, French cooking, and hiking. What's not to love, right? Met him at Jo's Downtown and he was 15 minutes late. I was just about to leave when he texted me and said he was having trouble parking. Keep in mind. Jo's was his idea. When he finally got there he proceeded to prattle on for more than an hour about drone photography, brewing hops, and the van he is refurbishing into a living space. Oh, and the French cooking? He doesn't do it, he just likes to eat it. And you know? I might have been able to forgive all the above if I hadn't looked down and noticed he was wearing flip-flops … on a 50-degree day and his toenails were extra long and dirty. Hard no. At least I know that COVID hasn't changed Tinder, but how do I meet an honest guy who knows how to use toenail clippers?
– Closed-Minded About Open Toes
Maybe from now on all your first Tinder dates should involve getting a pedicure. Actually, that might be a terrible idea unless you're deeply into foot fetishism, aka "podophilia," which is one letter away from a word that should never appear in a Tinder profile … or this column for that matter. Thankfully these scribblings are scrubbed scrupulously by the Chronicle's top-notch Proofing Department, who I am sure have all done exhaustive research at some point into why a pedicure isn't a podicure and why humans are bipeds but don't necessarily get jailed for it. I guess it just further proves that Latin is a trash language that deserves to be dead. Pig Latin, on the other hand, now there's a language with some versatility. Even so, you probably shouldn't ask your nail tech for an edicure-pay on your inder-Tay ate-day. You might discover the real meaning of anguage-lay arrier-bay.
Also, I am not particularly well-versed in the ways of Bumble, but something tells me the only flip-flopping done on that site is by dudes who can't decide if they're ready for a lifetime commitment after two dates. Bumble might have a yellow color scheme, but that's the closest it gets to giving off a toe fungus vibe. You might want to dip your Docs into that dating pool and see what sticks. Then again, maybe online dating isn't the best venue for folks who have a low tolerance for inaccuracy. Nobody in their right mind is likely to describe themselves as a "slightly chubby, prematurely balding dullard with a dead-end middle management job at a direct marketing firm." Why? Because brutal honesty like that is traditionally the stock and trade of big dick energy types with voracious, black hole egos that suck up all the light and goodness that surrounds them. Think Donald Trump without the pathological liar bit. Normal people understandably try to put spit-shine on their faults and, more importantly, recognize they have them.
I know it's going to make me sound like a therapist, a 12-stepper, or a life coach when I say this, but I am going to say it anyway: When it comes to relationships, there is no substitute for doing the work. Whether you're slogging through online dating prevaricators, sleazy singles bar types, or fumbling, awkward, dad-joking dudes in the produce aisle, there aren't really any shortcuts to truly getting to know someone. You're going to have to suffer through some bad dates, or phone calls, or chat sessions before you can find someone you're sure isn't fond of the open-toed look, and even then he might still be into Vibram FiveFingers. I would love to be able to guarantee you that if you just go hang out at Nickel City on Thursday night you're going to meet the superbly shod man of your dreams, but you're just as likely to meet a guy who will tell you all about the indie zombie film he has been making for the last four years and give you a business card with a Kickstarter link. Doesn't anybody just sell Amway anymore?
Anyway, my only advice for meeting an honest guy is to be brutally honest yourself. Maybe make a list of hard noes to put on your Tinder profile. Or, if you decide to risk actual mingling in meatspace, put it on a business card. What a wonderful conversation starter … or ender … that would be! If you do, send it to me and maybe I will publish it here. The public needs to know.