The Luv Doc: Don't Bother Knockin'

Dear Luv Doc,

I was running on my treadmill last week with my earbuds in and sometime shortly before 8am I heard a very rapid and insistent banging that seemed to be coming from the front of my house. At first I didn't think anything of it because there is construction happening on my street, but after a while the pounding became quicker, louder, and more insistent, so just to be sure, I took out my earbuds and realized that it was someone frantically knocking on my front door. I was concerned because I thought somebody might have gotten hurt or injured and needed assistance. When I got to the door and looked through the peephole I saw the person doing the banging was a thirtyish-looking white male. I cracked open the door and asked, "What's going on? Is someone hurt?" He said no, but he was trying to back a moving van into the driveway across the street from my house and that my red Mustang was in the way and needed to be moved. I politely informed him that I do not own a red Mustang and that while I could sympathize with his plight, needing to pull a moving van into his driveway did not justify frantically banging on someone's door at 7:45 in the morning. He looked at me as if I was crazy and responded, "Too early?" I told him my husband worked late nights and that he had very likely woken him up. He continued to look at me like I was crazy. I said I had no idea who owned the red Mustang and suggested he check with one of the construction crews down the street. He stalked off without so much as an apology. As it turned out, he did wake up my husband, who was furious about all the banging and said he was going to march across the street and give our new neighbor a piece of his mind. As angry as I was myself, I told my husband to let it go and not escalate the situation. I was worried things would get out of hand. Maybe this guy was just having a bad day, but this was a horrible first impression. Am I being too forgiving?

– The Voice of Reason?

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In certain municipalities your new neighbor's aggressive approach to problem-solving might have earned him a thorough ass whupping, if not an actual dirt nap beneath a few cubic yards of Ready Mix. And yes, you were absolutely correct in assuming that anyone frantically banging on your door at 7:45am has been mortally wounded and is about to bleed out on your doorstep. There is no other reasonable excuse. OK, maybe if there was an EF5 tornado coming or perhaps a ravenous herd of Bengal tigers, but otherwise, that person is clearly out of their goddamn mind.

Even 7:59:59am – at least door-knockwise – should be considered the middle of the night. It's the kind of door knock you answer with a loaded revolver, an unmuzzled Rottweiler, or a baseball bat with a sock on the end – you know, so if they try to grab it you can get in at least one more head shot. Lest you think I am being hyperbolic here, imagine if someone was frantically banging on your door at 3am? Same fucking difference, except the person at 7:45am is more dangerous because they're all jacked up on caffeine and self-righteousness.

Now, I know a lot of morning people are probably thinking, "8am isn't that early. I've already been up for three hours! The early bird gets the worm!" Hey, whatever works for you, but this early riser virtue signaling bullshit has gone on for too long. We're no longer an agrarian society. We can burn all the daylight we want because we invented LED bulbs and night vision goggles, so before any of you insomniac, worm-eating psychopaths start banging on doors before 8am, maybe just sit fucking tight and let your mental hamster wheel spin for a few more hours because you and I know for certain that whatever you're knocking about isn't important enough to wake someone up. Most people would prefer to sleep in for a few more hours and maybe have some brunch migas because worms are not an important part of their diet.

Similarly, your new neighbor could have better spent the wee hours of his morning learning how to back up a U-Haul, but clearly his white male privilege hard-on rendered him senseless. So yes, your husband has an excellent excuse and every right to go chew your new neighbor a new one and maybe even throw some hands, but statistically that shit never ends well. You're absolutely right to counsel forbearance and maybe even forgiveness. It's better for your mental health in the long run and you and your new neighbor are much less likely to end up in jail, the hospital, or the morgue.