Dear Luv Doc,
I love my girlfriend like crazy, as she does me; everything about us is amazing. But I get so instantly intensely lonely when she leaves town I feel the absolute need to distract myself with hookups. That sums it up. It happens 2 to 3 times a year. And I don't have any trouble hooking up with sexy women to distract me from my loneliness from my girlfriend's absence. I'm supposedly charming, handsome, etc., so thank god that makes this brief 2- to 6-day remedy (as needed) possible. And I do love women. They are amazing. So yeah, I feel guilt. Which is why I'm writing. But so far this seems like a reasonable "workaround." The alternative, since we are otherwise so disclosing to each other, is to anguish her by genuinely expressing/revealing/inevitably letting slip out how f'in' in pain I am at her absence. We lived in decades of bullshit relationships to get to this heaven-on-earth couplehood. Thoughts?
– I Can't Be Alone for Long
Yes, I have a few thoughts. The first one that popped into my mind was whether or not your girlfriend, knowing that you're smashing randos every time she goes out of town, would describe your relationship as "heaven-on-earth couplehood." Let's just bookmark that one, however, because we have a lot of pigs to fuck before we mount that sow. Oh, and just in case you're getting fluffed thinking the Luv Doc was inviting you to engage in acts of bestiality, the pig-fucking reference was an idiom harvested recently from the Canadian TV comedy Letterkenny, which I have been watching a lot of lately. It's like a 30-minute prose poem of folksy aphorisms, pop culture references, and relentless, unforgivably terrible puns. I suggest you watch it with subtitles – not because Canadians are hard to understand, but because the dialogue comes at you Gilmore Girls fast and if you fuck around and lose focus, you're going to miss some gems.
Speaking of losing focus, I just did! My bad, bro. You were saying something about being "supposedly charming, handsome, etc." I had a thought about that, too. That was, "Why is he telling me this? Why does he feel I need to know this?" Look, here's the deal: I would have totally taken your word for it that you have the ability to have sex with other women. I would have probably even believed you when you said, "I don't have any trouble hooking up with sexy women," even though that was a bit of a humblebrag. I may be off base here, but generally when people have sex with other people, they find them sexy, even if only a little bit. That's sort of implied, isn't it? Otherwise, how would you even achieve or maintain an erection? Wait. Don't answer that. Anyway, if you had simply said, "I routinely have sex with other women while my girlfriend is out of town," I would have believed you. Were you expecting me to reply with, "Pics or it didn't happen?" Fuck. Maybe you did. That's scary, dude. That makes me think you might have a malfunctioning amygdala.
I was similarly struck with the comment, "I do love women," not just for your ironic choice of the plural form, but because, given your treatment of the woman you supposedly love the most, it makes you seem a little bit (OK, a lot) predatory. The phrase, "I do love women. They are amazing," could as easily have been uttered by a rapist, or a cannibal, or perhaps a rapist-cannibal, all of which I sincerely hope you are not. The point is, there seems to be an implication that women are playthings for you to enjoy rather than actual human beings for whom you might feel empathy and compassion.
And lastly, before we get back to your "heaven-on-earth" relationship, we should probably dip a toe into the unfathomable depths of your loneliness, which apparently masturbating to Pornhub videos cannot address. Now, being a charitable and cautious advice columnist, I am inclined to believe that your use of the term loneliness was perhaps a verbal inability to express your true feelings and not some sort of unsettling conflation of loneliness and sex. I am hoping you fully realize that you can be lonely without feeling any desire to hook up with random women. Perhaps you are lonely because you miss the companionship of your girlfriend. Totes legit, but I find it troubling that for you, the best way to address that loneliness is to have sex with other women. It tells me that perhaps you see your girlfriend primarily as a sexual object and not, as I said earlier, a complex human being like yourself with lots of emotions and whatnot.
So – and not that you were asking – I highly recommend you see a therapist and figure out what's up with that. Maybe that can help you understand why it causes you such intense pain to be alone with yourself and why fucking around on your girlfriend seems like a "reasonable 'workaround.'" I don't want to speak for her, but my guess is that she would describe it much differently, just as she would your "heaven-on-earth couplehood." If you don't believe me, ask her. You might save her a couple more decades of a bullshit relationship.
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