Dear Luv Doc,
My stepdaughter buys a 20-ounce bottle of Coke and takes one swig and it's done. No more. Leaves the bottle on the counter for me to look at. Also does that with bottled water. It drives me nuts! Any advice?
– Not a Fan of the "Millennial Swig"
First of all, I want to fully disclose that while the Luv Doc's fingers are typing out this response, the intellectual content is being provided by me, Bill Gates, via a tiny microchip that was injected into the Luv Doc's arm when he got his COVID-19 vaccination out at the F-1 track back in April. If the Luv Doc were able to actually form an independent thought, he would surely say that Bill Gates is a sneaky motherfucker who is currently micromanaging the thoughts of the roughly 1.18 billion people on Earth who have already received the vaccine ... with the obvious intent of convincing the remaining 6.494 billion to get vaccinated themselves. Fortunately, my microchip is able to stop thoughts like that from ever leaving the Luv Doc's frontal lobe. Isn't technology wonderful?
If the Luv Doc weren't already one of 1.18 billion vaccinated sheeple, he would probably claim that there are at least one or two exceptionally intelligent, unvaccinated outliers reading this column who might be questioning whether one man (that being me, Bill Gates, because, remember, the Luv Doc is now just one of Bill Gates' roughly 1.18 billion involuntary stenographers) has the mental/physical/spiritual/technological capacity to micromanage the thoughts of roughly 1.18 billion people, much less the desire. After all, the Luv Doc's brain alone is a goddamn beehive of disjointed, half-cocked, factually specious, and often outright erroneous thoughts that need a maddening amount of intellectual wrangling on a minute-by-minute basis.
What I am trying to say is that even though the Luv Doc's sludge pit of a brain is really dragging down the efficiency of my mind control software (Microsoft Windows to Your Souls™), I'm still optimistic that I have the capacity to control the remaining 6.494 billion minds. So, short story long, your concerns about the COVID vaccine containing one of my microchips are 100% valid. I can't wait to get into each and every one of your heads and make you do stupid shit like masturbating on camera during a Zoom meeting or not wearing sunscreen when you're tubing the Guadalupe.
And lastly, because I have like a billion other minds to control, here's my advice about your stepdaughter: Drinking only one sip of a 20-ounce bottle of Coke is probably the smartest thing she could do short of not buying the damn thing at all, so count your blessings! This country is chock-full of diabetic amputees who finished their 20-ounce Cokes. The Millennial Sip is kind of an adorable, unconscious critique of consumerism as a whole. Well done millennials! Just keep rubbing it in their faces! "You're giving me water in a questionably recyclable plastic bottle? Fuck you. I'mma take one sip and leave it on the kitchen counter for three weeks." Honestly, it makes me hopeful for the future of humanity ... I mean, once we get the remaining 6.494 billion members of humanity vaccinated.
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