The Austin Chronicle

The Luv Doc: Surpisingly Cold

Every summer day under 100 degrees means that a thousand enthusiastic well-meaning folks will move to Austin

By The Luv Doc, June 11, 2021, Columns

Dear Luv Doc,

This is my first week in Austin and I just read your column while waiting for my tacos. I thought I might as well jump right in. I moved here to be with my girlfriend who started a job with a tech firm in January. After a few months trying to do the long-distance relationship thing, I decided to take a leap of faith and quit my uninspiring job in L.A. and try my luck in Austin. Ever since I got to town my girlfriend has been acting really annoyed with me. I have been trying not to be a burden on her – I even rented a storage space near her apartment for my stuff, but I am getting the feeling I might have made a mistake in moving here to be with her. I even offered to get my own apartment, but she said no, I should stay with her. Except when she said it, she seemed really annoyed, even though we had talked about it before many times. So, should I wait to see if she comes around or should I go ahead and try to find my own place?

– Surprisingly Cold in Austin

You're spot-on climatologically speaking. It has been an exceptionally cool late spring/early summer this year, which makes all the unicorns extra edgy because they have a grudging mistrust of pleasant weather. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, it's never supposed to get down to 66 degrees in Austin anytime during the month of June. Clearly a Delaware-size slab of the arctic ice pack recently calved and is bobbing up and down amidst the Sargassum in the Gulf of Mexico. I know that seems a bit far-fetched given the enormous amount of air traffic over the Gulf, but there is no other rational solution. I guess maybe all the airline pilots are preoccupied with spotting UFOs.

Ice slab or no, all the old timey Austinites have to deal with this unreasonably, unseasonably pleasant weather both mentally and physically. That may seem like a slam dunk to a West Coaster like yourself (Hey, just throw on a light sweater!) but it's not that simple. First of all, folks 'round here are still trying to process Snovid, which, in case you missed it, was that weeklong stretch back in February when Jesus mistook Austin for Minneapolis and the power grid failed because ... um ... I think it was because windmills cause cancer or something ... and everybody nearly froze to death except for Ted Cruz. Lucky for us, the Texas Legislature just solved the problem by outlawing abortion and making it legal for everyone over 21 to carry a gun without a license. Yee-fucking-haw!

Even still, the real reason native Austinites don't trust pleasant weather is that pretty much every summer day under 100 degrees means that a thousand enthusiastic well-meaning folks will move to Austin, snatch up ridiculously overpriced, dilapidated 2-1 craftsman bungalows, bulldoze them, and replace them with 5,000-square-foot modernist odes to the Jersey Shore. Back in 2002 the preceding sentence might have been viewed as sensationalist hyperbole, but these days it's just keeping it 100. At least the one next to me blocks out the late day sun, but I never see Snooki in the hot tub – or anyone else for that matter – even during Snovid because, like I said earlier, the cancer windmills, unrestricted abortions, and unreasonable gun laws fucked us.

I don't know exactly what effect this suspiciously gorgeous weather we've been experiencing may or may not have had on your girlfriend, but it can't be entirely ruled out. Some people don't deal well with humidity. An abundance of rain always brings out a bunch of mosquitos, flies, and spiders. So there's that. She might also be a bit annoyed that you packed up and moved here without having a job. That works as a romantic gesture in a theoretical sense, but it's a little dodgy in the real world. Presumably you just left all your friends and a steady means of income just to be with her. That's a lot of pressure – even if you're a self-sustaining, breakfast-taco-getting, advice-column-reading man of exquisite taste, which you clearly seem to be. Sure, you could back off and give your girlfriend some time to stop being annoyed, but it might be better to just sit down with her and sincerely ask her what's up. At least then you would know what you're truly up against. Also, keep in mind that if she's still annoyed in September, she can express that annoyance with an unlicensed firearm, so it's probably better to let her vent now, right? Good luck and welcome to Austin!

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