The Luv Doc: Don’t Ask Your Ex

70-93% of all communication is nonverbal

The Luv Doc: Don’t Ask Your Ex

Dear Luv Doc,

My girlfriend broke up with me nearly a year ago and since then I haven't talked to her once. I have left her numerous texts, voicemails, etc., etc., but she never responds. I have driven by her house and seen her car in her driveway so I know she hasn't moved. The last time I even saw her was at an outdoor show in October and when she saw me she left. I would like to get her back, but if that can't happen I would at least like to be friends. How can I get her to talk to me?

– Locked Out


First of all, I am not an interrogation expert. I am not even a communication expert, but I do know that actual communication experts agree that something like 70-93% of all communication is nonverbal, and just because we're not picking up on it doesn't mean it isn't happening. For instance, by not responding to your calls and texts – and by leaving a show the minute she realized you were there – it seems to me that your girlfriend is very clearly communicating that she doesn't fucking want to talk to you. At all.

It's very important for you to understand that your feelings about her decision not to talk to you, strong though they may be, are in no way a reasonable justification to ignore that decision. Your ex is an entirely separate and autonomous individual entitled to live her life however she chooses, and if she chooses to live her life without you, you need to accept that. Seriously. Let that sink in. Forget all that shit you've seen in old Hollywood movies where some lovelorn dude relentlessly pursues his ex until she finally breaks down and sees what a wonderful guy he is and they get back together and live happily ever after. That's a wonderful fairy tale, but in an actual court of law it's called stalking.

You're not a stalker, are you? I hope not. That bit about you driving by your ex's house makes me a little uneasy. Maybe she has a house on a really busy street, I don't know, but if her house is on a cul-de-sac, dude, that's fucking stalking. Literally the only reason to have a house on a cul-de-sac is so people don't just randomly drive by your house. The only people who randomly drive by houses on cul-de-sacs are people still using Apple Maps. Everyone else is a peeping Tom, a burglar, or ... wait for it ... a stalker. There is no other reasonable possibility.

So, instead of plotting strategies for how to get your ex to talk to you, my suggestion to you is to focus your attention inward. Maybe try meditation. Hey, if it works for Oprah, it will probably work for you. Think really hard about why it's so important to you for her to be in your life. Maybe the things you're seeking in her you can find in yourself. If your goal is self-improvement, which in my humble opinion it always should be, I am fairly certain there are plenty of people in your life who would be willing to help you become a better person. All you need to do is sincerely ask. Just don't ask your ex.

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