The Luv Doc: Running Late

Dear Luv Doc,

I woke up this morning to find coffee spilled all over the kitchen and a broken coffee pot (glass) and grounds in the sink. No note. No text. No phone call saying, "Sorry about the mess." I called my boyfriend at work and asked what happened. He said he was in a hurry because he was late for work and he cracked the coffee pot on the sink. He tried to clean up a bit but he didn't have time. Then he got busy at work and forgot to text me. For some reason his explanation only made me madder. Maybe it's because I still haven't had my coffee. Maybe it's because I had to clean up his mess. Maybe it's because he is always running late for work. Maybe it's because I was late to work today, too. Or maybe it's because he is so self-absorbed he forgets to think of me at all. Do I need to break up with him to get him to care about how I'm feeling?

– I Have a Job Too

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This kind of insanity is exactly what keeps me in the advice game. Well, actually this kind of insanity plus the more troubling insanity that underlies my belief that anyone cares about my advice, but we're not here to talk about my insanity, are we? No, clearly your boyfriend got in such a hurry that he forgot the first rule of being late: If you're coming in late, make sure to bring a box of donuts – preferably from Shipley, Ken's, or Mrs. Johnson's, but definitely not Voodoo. What are you? Jeff Bezos? Plus, why were you buying donuts down on Dirty Sixth during the work week? Did you wake up in a bathroom stall at the Dizzy Rooster? You're better off buying donuts at H-E-B. If you do, get the frosted chocolate cake donuts that come pre-boxed. They're cheap, and they're like a thousand calories each, which will pretty much ensure that the entire office will be in a carbo coma by about 3 in the afternoon so you can sneak out and get in a few rounds of Frisbee golf.

If you're coming in really late – like fucking baller late – you're going to need to pick up some breakfast tacos. No, not Taco Cabana. Look, I'm not saying Taco Cabana is not serviceable breakfast fare, but buying your office a box of breakfast tacos from Taco Cabana is sort of like taking your wife out to Applebee's for your anniversary dinner. One thing is certain: It won't be forgotten. No sir, if you're rolling in breakfast taco late, you better be holding several unmarked, grease-soaked brown bags that ruined the upholstery in your car and left it smelling like exquisitely seasoned goat brains. Furthermore – and keep in mind this is the only thing keeping your boss from handing you a pink slip – you better have one bag entirely devoted to salsa. If, for some tragic reason, you grew up in a geographic region where breakfast tacos are some sort of exotic novelty, please note that bringing breakfast tacos for the office without bringing an exorbitant excess of salsa is not a blessing, it's a grievous insult – the kind of unforgivable transgression that can ruin a promising career. You're better off pissing on your boss' shoe. At least she can laugh about that at her retirement party. Oh, and if you find yourself feeling incredulous about the salsa thing, stick with donuts. Trust me. At least you can dig your way out of a donut hole.

Now look, I know it seems like I just wasted a lot of ink on the importance of buying cheap donuts and greasy tacos, but the truth is that lateness, like self-absorption, is just a bad habit that can be broken. Yes, H-E-B frosted chocolate donuts are pretty cheap, but if you're buying them on the reg, they can add up. Plus there's the inevitable annoyance of waiting for some early morning, crowd-avoidant geriatric to figure out how to use the self checkout station. Believe me, there is no easy way to shoplift a box of frosted chocolate donuts. It's much easier to just set your alarm clock back 30 minutes. In fact, you can do that for just about anything. Instead of being the self-absorbed asshole who always shows up late, be the self-absorbed asshole who always shows up early. It really is that simple, and the same goes for being a self-absorbed asshole.

The important thing is to get your boyfriend to admit he's self-absorbed and care enough to make a change. If he won't do that, then I think it's safe to say that this isn't his problem, it's your problem, and breaking up with him will surely solve it.