The Austin Chronicle

The Luv Doc: "Travelin' Ted"

Was it hatred that melted several million cubic feet of snow?

By The Luv Doc, February 26, 2021, Columns

Dear Luv Doc,

For the last few days me and my wife have been boiling snow for toilet water, taking whore's baths, and sleeping with our dogs in the kitchen to keep warm. Dealing with the snowpocalypse has brought us closer together in some ways and divided us in others (we disagree on how long to let the yellow mellow). However, the one thing that has truly brought us together and kept us warm during this disaster is our mutual hatred of Ted Cruz. While other Texas and even national politicians were working hard to help Texans in need, Senator Cruz decided to fly to Cancun for a mid-winter vacation with his family, leaving his constituents – literally – out in the cold. Not since Marie Antoinette has the world seen an act of political insensitivity so gallingly tone-deaf. I know this hot white hatred can't last forever, but what can we replace it with? Other than running water and electricity?

– Burning in NW Hills

Along with not being an actual doctor, I am also not an actual meteorologist, but I strongly believe that the warming trend that started Friday was actually caused by hatred for Ted Cruz. In fact, while watching Senator Sayonara, aka "Fled Cruz," aka "Travelin' Ted," aka "Teddy Turnaround," squirm through an embarrassingly awkward apology in front of the news crews on Friday morning, I could literally feel Texas' troubles begin to melt away. Such an instantaneous outpouring of warmth seemed unlikely to be caused by some sort of meteorological phenomenon.

Was it hatred that melted several million cubic feet of snow? Or was it the supernova of Cruz's massive ego collapsing into a white dwarf? I think it was probably a little of both, no matter what Austin's weather god Jim Spencer meticulously foretold in days prior. Hey, at least Jim got to perform a meteorological 360 tomahawk slam dunk just before going into retirement. The only thing that could have possibly been more satisfying would have been some sort of F5 sharknado cluster, but what would we have to look forward to in April? If Jesus can't cough up an actual sharknado cluster then maybe he can executive produce a Last Dance style documentary tell-all about Spencer's dominance of Austin's weather game for the last three decades.

Sadly, Spencer's grace, humility, and righteousness last week were completely eclipsed by Cruz's spectacularly graceless, astoundingly egotistical wrongness. Yes, Ted Cruz has made a career out of being wrong, but last week he was so wrong that even Donald Trump probably had a raging jealousy boner. And, as an impressive flourish, he tried to put the blame on his daughters, who are at least intelligent enough to know that being on a warm beach with Ted Cruz would be slightly less insufferable than sharing a cold house with him. There may be hope for them yet.

2021 started out as a banner year of douchebaggery for Cruz, but clearly he was unsatisfied. Helping incite an insurrection in the nation's capitol and calling Austin's mayor a hypocrite and a coddler of the homeless only wet his whistle. Who knows? Maybe he was jealous of all the Bernie Sanders memes dominating the interwebs.

I would love to give him credit for cooking this Cancun trip up as some sort of Machiavellian publicity master stroke, but that would be an insult to Machiavelli. No, it was simply self-indulgent stupidity. We've all been there. Truly, had Cruz not been a Texas senator, I think most Texans would have given him a pass. Hell, we like it when rich people act all rich and shit. What else could explain Jerry Jones? Unfortunately, Cruz is at least partially on the government dole, so we expect just a little thoughtfulness, empathy, and humility ... and if he can't muster that, he could at least have the common decency to fake it like John Cornyn.

Yes, your hatred will fade. Perhaps it might even turn into pity at some point. I mean, damn, those memes have been brutal even though Cruz looks pretty gangsta in those beach braids.

Yes, it would be unhealthy to sustain your anger for the next four years, but when you do get to vote I bet you'll remember that Cruz wasn't even smart enough to fake concern for his constituency in their time of need. I would be amazed if he gets reelected, but Texas always manages to amaze me.

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