The Austin Chronicle

The Luv Doc: Fortunately Pets Can’t Read

A little wallow in the unpleasantries of modern politics with the greatest patriotic advice columnist in modern history

By The Luv Doc, November 27, 2020, Columns

Doc Doc Doc!

Come on man! Really? A whole article about Donald J. Trump?? I've been reading your columns for years and really like them; this time you have way gone over to the dark side, though. Your obvious hate for Trump is quite evident as well as his supporters. I guess ½ of America is smart and the other ½ dumb, and you happen to be on the right side, huh??

It's like riding a motorcycle: If you have to ask, "Why do you ride motorcycles?" you will never know. Trump is the greatest patriotic president in modern history, I'm sorry that you don't agree. Again, think motorcycles, it's not worth the time to try to change your mind, it won't work anyway. It's like putting political signs on your front lawn, it doesn't change anyone's mind, it just pisses off your neighbors. I suppose just getting a job at the Chronicle you have to admit to being a liberal socialist or you won't be hired. I get that (Same as the Austin-American Statesman). So the left-leaning bias is always clearly there. I'll keep reading your column because it's good but stick to the subject, the last column was beneath you.

– Ski in Austin

Dear Ski, there is very little that is beneath me, which is exactly why I am responding to your missive. I care too much to let a little wallow in the unpleasantries of modern politics give me pause. Maybe that's what makes me the greatest patriotic advice columnist in modern history. Look, if I am not here for the people, who am I here for? Pets? Pets can't read. Neither can livestock, and although illiteracy is one of the hallmarks of Trump supporters, I refuse to debase myself by lumping them in with the aforementioned oppressed mammals, not because it would be a debasement of said mammals, but because if the Luv Doc is known for anything, he is known for keeping it classy. Classy as fuck. You're welcome.

Now, as to your assertion that half of America is smart and the other half dumb, I am going to have to take issue with that as well – respectfully, of course, because I wouldn't want to disrespect a supporter of a president (person? imbecile?) who likes to grab women by the pussy. Wouldn't be cricket, would it? To say that only half of America is dumb is, to be generous, a gross understatement. The mere fact that Trump currently occupies the Oval Office (I think given his refusal to concede the election, "occupy" best describes his current behavior, don't you?) is an inexcusable indictment of the intelligence of all Americans, regardless of political affiliation. Saying that half of the country is stupid is sort of like saying that only Nazi Party members were responsible for the Holocaust or that only Southerners were responsible for racism. We're all wearing the red badge of stupidity; it's just that some of us are wearing it proudly, as a hat.

The galling thing about Trump's election wasn't that Republicans voted for a Republican candidate. That's to be expected. Somebody has to hold the line on fiscal responsibility and libertarian values, don't they? However, half of America elected a childish imbecile/asshole president because he was the best candidate their party could cough up ... and they were too scared that the evil lady in the expensive pantsuit was going to make them pay higher taxes or maybe learn the location of the clitoris. Whatever the case, they decided instead to vote for the false bravado of a bone-spurred, wannabe despot who told them everything would be better if we could just hate the right people. That, sir, was the most profound failure of American democracy in the last two-and-a-half centuries, and if that pisses off my neighbors like an ineffectual yard sign, well, it should. It damn well fucking should. All of America dropped the ball in 2016. Some of us are at least humble enough to admit it. OK, I really felt like I stuck to the subject there, but let me know if I didn't.

Yours, in patriotic awesomeness, the Luv Doc.

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