The Luv Doc: Slower and Stupider
Literally no one would live in Russia without vodka
Dear Luv Doc,
My girlfriend likes me much better when I'm drunk. Now, don't get me wrong. She apparently loves me very, very much; she says so MANY times a day. It is so amazing. We've been together over four years. I don't know how I lucked into such an amazing relationship. And I love her so much – times, like, infinity. However, she, being the wonderfully very frank and truthful person she is, acknowledges that I am significantly more entertaining when I'm drunk. I don't think I'm in danger of becoming an alcoholic, in wanting to please her, and getting drunk most evenings. But what do you think?
– Guy in Jonestown
What do I think? I think you need to take a look at my liver. It bears a striking resemblance to Sylvester Stallone's face at the end of Rocky – the original one, not that rah-rah Ivan Drago bullshit. Now, I know that the uplifting message of the original film is that even though Rocky loses the fight, he's really a winner because he's able to go 15 rounds with heavyweight champion Apollo Creed. Pride, however, doesn't do much for a jacked up face or a detached retina, and while the good Lord in her infinite wisdom had the foresight to give us two retinas, she only gave us one liver. I am here to tell you that your liver can take a pretty serious beating, but if you fuck around and keep getting back in that ring, it probably won't make it past Rocky III. "Eye of the Tiger" might be able to save you from Mr. T, but it won't save you from liver failure.
That said – and only because I have an embarrassing wealth of experience in this area – I can confirm that yes, in general, people are more entertaining when they're drunk. All you need to do is hop on YouTube for a few minutes if you don't believe me. Plus, you get bonus points if you're shit-faced with an Oklahoma/South Alabama/Michigan accent. Your girlfriend might take objection, but I have a few hundred hours of hearted TikToks featuring unintelligible people doing crazy shit with fireworks, propane, heavy equipment, bass boats, livestock, and irate grandparents that convincingly prove my point. Alcohol is always good for a laugh or two and occasionally a tragic, sobering, unnecessary death. But hey, that's the price people pay to keep themselves entertained in otherwise uninspiring circumstances. Literally no one would live in Russia without vodka – just like no one would live in South Alabama without "ass coal bear." I can only imagine Jonestown – aka "Lago Sans Vista" – has its disappointments and deficiencies, but the people really make the place, don't they? Especially if the place you're actually referring to is a revegetated hamlet in northern Guyana.
Anyway, my point is that even if alcohol actually does sharpen the rapier of your wit, I'm not convinced that all that hilarity will have been worth it in the long run. While alcohol may offer the advantage of lowering our inhibitions and making us less self-conscious, it also has the disadvantage of making us slower and stupider – I mean, other than when we're piloting a rocket-powered bass boat that's going Mach Jesus. Then it only makes us stupider. The good news is that with some mindful practice and perhaps a little therapy, you can learn to become less self-conscious and more uninhibited and, dare I say, even entertaining without being drunk. I can't help you with the stupidity part other than to say that they're doing some amazing things with edibles these days, so ...