The Luv Doc: A Butt to Snuggle

Nobody ever said Jesus was an ass man

The Luv Doc: A Butt to Snuggle

Dear Luv Doc,

I'm not willing to mention this to anyone else, so you're elected. Enjoy. I really dislike sleeping alone. That's why I'm married. Since menopause the wife has had enough of that and much prefers separate beds. I am sick and tired of waking up to find her gone when I really want a butt to snuggle. Of course, I keep thinking of the obvious. But family and property are issues. As is fear of living alone. I've already experienced recovery from hospitalization several times. Wouldn't want to do it alone. No, I'm not a basket case. I work out regularly. My BMI is in the low 20s. It's possible I could meet someone snuggly. But ... (and it's a big one) maybe this is just the way women are after menopause? Wouldn't want to start over just to wind up where I started.

– Roommate

Well, the happy news is that you already know the cost of inaction. You already know what it feels like to sleep alone. My guess is that you could probably tolerate the current state of affairs indefinitely. Not having a butt to snuggle is probably not the worst fate you could endure. Why not just knuckle under until you meet death's sweet embrace? You'll surely get another crack at this earthly existence, wherein you'll be able to set things right from the get-go. Let's just pray the transcendentalists are right, because I don't think they even have butts in Christian heaven. Unfortunately, from the depictions I've seen, when they sing "Baby Got Back" in the hereafter, they're referring to a nice set of wings. Jesus really shit the bed on that deal, didn't he? Then again, nobody ever said Jesus was an ass man. When Jesus got up on that ass, it was an actual donkey and it was headed to Jerusalem.

Look, it would be a gross understatement to say that I am not an expert on menopausal women, but I suspect that your wife's decision to sleep in a separate bed isn't solely based on hormones. The one thing I do know about menopausal women – and to be perfectly honest, about older people in general – is that they are much less inclined to put up with a bunch of bullshit. It might just be that you snore or fart in your sleep or thrash around like a spazmo and steal all the covers. The last one might not be a deal-killer because some menopausal women are hot AF. Literally. They get hot flashes and sometimes lying next to even a svelte body with a low 20s BMI can feel like bedding down with a raging bonfire. So there's that, but truly the list could be endless. You won't really know however until you have a heart-to-heart sit-down with her and get to the bottom of it.

Lastly, just because your wife no longer wants to sleep in the same bed as you doesn't necessarily mean that the physical intimacy baby gets thrown out with the bathwater. It's totally okay for your wife to express her need to sleep alone. I am assuming when she dropped that bombshell you didn't immediately run out and hire a divorce lawyer. You were probably like, "Well, my dream farts are extra smelly. I guess I understand." Similarly, if you were to say, "Hey honey, I miss the physical intimacy of you sleeping in the same bed with me. Is there anything I can do to make that happen again?" she probably won't start throwing your clothes out the window. So the real question is, "Will I keep thinking of the obvious even if my need for physical intimacy is fulfilled by my wife?" If that's the case, you already have your answer.

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